Beneath the Fountain

20. Alone

We spent the night dancing away. We never grew tired or each other's company just as we never stopped looking into each other's eyes. What lasted hours only felt like minutes, and if time always moved this fast with him, it felt like I would need an eternity to be satisfied.

The world seemed to fall away while we danced. My worries, the gazebo, even the music seemed to fade into oblivion. My thoughts- no, my being- could only see, hear, and feel Mystery. Everything else just disappeared, including time.

It was Mystery who first saw the orangish glow rising on the horizon, and it was he who had to end the dance. It it were up to me, I would've just said forget the wedding. I would've said that I'm never leaving here again, and that I don't care of I forget who I am. If I had Mystery, I would be okay.

But Mystery would never let me do that. He would say that I don't know how torturous it is to have no sense of identity. Then he would say that he actually wants me to stay, but he also wants what is best for me, and what's best for me is not being trapped here waiting for eternity to end. He would say that no matter how bleak things may seem to me, at least things will be moving forward. At least I wouldn't be stuck.

I know that he would say all of this because I asked him. I asked him, and he insisted that I can't stay. He said he wouldn't want to bestow the same fate on me that he is suffering through. I know that he is right, but then again it feels so wrong. Life is cruel in that way: what's best isn't always what is wanted.

Mystery seemed tense after that conversation. I don't know if he actually was or if that was just my emotions blurring things to appear that way, but I swear that his smile didn't quite reach his eyes anymore. It was almost as if he was trying to hide something, but once again, I was probably just seeing things.

Now we are walking through the garden back to the fountain, and I can't help but feel a sense of dread rushing over me like the sea during high tide. It came at me hard, fast, and it swallowed me while. The night is over, I come to a sudden realization, so I can't put off what today will bring any longer. I feel my body weakening, my walls breaking. Only one thought enters my mind: I can't do this.

We have just reached the clearing of the fountain when I freeze. There's no more hiding. There's no more pretending to be brave when I'm actually terrified. I have to face my fears, but I don't know if I can. My father taught me many things, but he failed me in one very important way: he protected me so much that he never taught me to stand in the face of adversity. Now that it is staring me right in the eyes, all I want to do is play possum. I want to disappear from it and stay hidden forever.

But I can't do that. That's not how life works. I need to move forward, but I just stand. Move, I tell myself, but my feet stay rooted to the ground like a tree. That is when the frustration settles in. Go, but my body isn't mine.

Mystery only makes it a couple steps ahead of me when he notices that I've stopped. He turns to me with a look of confusion, but when he sees me, his face softens and his eyes fill will with worry. "Sage?" He questions gently. He loosely holds my hand still, but I feel my grip on the world fading fast.

I feel my lip trembling, but I try to stay strong. "I'm okay," I say weakly, but then I feel the hot trail of a traitorous tear fall down my cheek, and I know that my lie has no chance of succeeding.

"Sage..." Mystery pursues gently.

I want to tell him that I'm terrified. I want to tell him that my stomach feels like a knot from nerves. But worst of all, I want to tell him that I'm scared for what's about to happen. I want to tell him that I'm not ready to let go, that I'm not ready to give in.