nineteen
Matty placed Nolan on the counter, still holding onto his wrists and singing to him to make him laugh.
"He's gonna fall!" Luke said between sips of his morning orange juice.
"He's fine! Isn't that right?" Matty mostly asked Nolan. The baby squealed, clapping his hands.
Matt grabbed his hands rocking him back and forth and making up another song to fill their ears.
"Do you realize how cute our baby is?" Matty asked after a few minutes. He was out of breath from running around the kitchen trying to get Nolan to laugh more and more.
"Yeah, we make really cute babies."
"Are you gonna take a," Matty paused, lowering his voice, "You know?"
"A pregnancy test? You're too afraid to say pregnancy test?"
"Leave me alone." Matty pouted his bottom lip. He reached for Nolan, placing him on his bony hip.
"Yeah, I'm going to in a bit," he responded casually. Internally, Luke was freaking out. They were doing everything they were supposed to and they both wanted this so badly.
Matty raised Nolan up on his shoulders, despite Luke's begging to put him down. "You're gonna have my height when you're all grown. Right, N?" Matty asked the baby.
Nolan gripped onto Matty's curls, "Yes!" He said, a laugh squeaking from his throat.
Luke rolled his eyes. "Put him down."
Matty reached up, putting Nolan back at his side. "Now, you're Daddy's height!"
"I'm not that short!" Luke stood up, putting his dishes in the sink.
Matt laughed, "Babe, yes you are. You and Nolan are just about the same height. He's gonna pass you up soon."
Luke walked over, taking their baby back. "He needs a bath. And a hair cut."
"Maybe he wants long, luscious curls." Matty followed behind Luke and Nolan like a lost puppy. Luke put Nolan on the ground, letting him walk the rest of the way to the bathroom as Luke turned around to glare at his husband.
"Can you schedule a hair appointment for him as I get him cleaned up?"
Matty groaned, "Fine."
Their Saturday came and went. Nolan did end up getting an inch of his hair trimmed back despite Matty's protests.
It was soon nighttime and Nolan was fast asleep. Matty sat on the end of their bed, his feet anxiously tapping on their hardwood floor. It has been at least ten minutes and Luke hasn't come out of the bathroom.
Matty knew that meant it was another negative test.
Luke opened the door of their ensuite bathroom another long thirty seconds later. He wiped at his eyes and shook his head.
Matt held open his arms, letting Luke fall into them. Luke sat in his lap like a child and cried into the crook of his neck.
Luke couldn't understand why becoming pregnant was always a struggle for him. It took an entire year and a half before Nolan was conceived. His body hates him, he's sure of it.
Matty rocked him back and forth, just trying to get him to stop crying. "It's okay, Baby, it's really okay. We can keep trying if you want or we can go back to the doctor and run some tests or—."
Luke shook his head. "I can't do anything right," he sobbed, his voice crackling with every word.
Matty held him tight, pulling him back onto their bed. "That's not true, you know that's not true." He laid Luke on his own side of the bed, getting him under the blankets before getting himself under their new lavender sheets.
"Don't you dare say it's not my fault because it's obviously my fault." Luke hid his face with his hand, rubbing at his eyes.
"Baby, it's not. Something just isn't working out and that's okay, we'll figure it out." Matty pulled Luke into his arms once more, rubbing his back and kissing his forehead.
Luke wiped at his eyes and tried to stop the sobs falling from his lips. "I'm sorry," he spoke as he began to calm himself down.
Matty ran a hand through Luke's hair, scratching at the back of his scalp. "You have no reason to apologize, you silly." Matt kissed the peak of Luke's head. "We have one beautiful, healthy son. If that's all we end up with then it would be perfectly okay, always remember that."
"You want more, it's my only job to give you more."
"You're not some kind of creepy machine, Luke," the older man said with a laugh, "You're my husband whom I love endlessly."
Luke sniffled, running a hand over his tired skin once more. He got up, twisting over until he straddled Matty's thin waist. He put his hands on his warm skin, rubbing over the many tattoos. "Can we keep trying?"
"I'm not comfortable trying if you're still crying. That just," he paused, shaking his head, "Just, no."
Luke laughed and wiped at his eyes again. He pulled a hand through his hair, getting the loose strands away from his face. "I'm not crying."
Matty reached up his hands, tickling Luke's stomach until he begged him to stop through loud giggles and flying limbs. Matt flipped them over, his cross necklace ghosting over Luke's body.
His hands trail down Luke's torso, softly reminding him how perfect he is.
Needless to say, they tried all night long.
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