blind. 2 | styles (hariana)

XXXI. You Can't Always Get What You Want

I had something super inspirational planned for this intro note but I forgot it. I don't know how to explain what you're about to read. Sassy Harry? Hope you enjoy :) Please vote! 

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mature content.

~ Harry ~

"Thanks Marjorie, you're an angel."

I blew against the edge of my cup, thanking the barista without a second glance while I collected my notes. The crinkling of the paper beneath my fingers was just one of the few things that revolved around my mornings as of lately.

"Too much coffee isn't good for you Harry."

"Well, I fear where I may end up if I don't finish school will be far worse."

"You have a degree in the arts; you majored in English and Psychology, you own an apartment and you have a girlfriend. I think you're better off than most people if you don't finish medical school."

I appreciated Marcel's attempt to be objective in my situation, but he already has his present and future set in stone and unlike myself, he's always known what he wanted to do in life. To put it in perspective, he's able to leave work for the holiday's earlier than he planned and has decided to stay with me for the remainder of hell week, just because he can.

I felt somewhat jealous of his freedom, knowing if I had the ability to earn money and do what I love, I could spend more time with Ariana and spoil her to death with whatever pleased her – even if she complained – but my life wasn't founded as a straight, smooth road but was as rough and slippery as a cobblestone pathway.

Perhaps it's wasn't the best idea to hold a conversation over the phone with one's brother while drinking a scalding cup of coffee alongside leafing through pages of notes fifteen minutes before an exam. But of course I was never a simple man who did ordinary things, so I shouldn't have expected myself to not have spilt my coffee over myself a few times on the rush to campus.

"I only did English and Psychology because I was good at it, I wasn't passionate or anything. It'll be self-fulfilling for me to actually do something I like for once. You wouldn't understand."

"You know I actually do understand that feeling of being filled– every Saturday night, my colleagues and I would go to this amazing gay bar in Sydney-"

"Okay, Marcel, I don't need to hear anything else."

"I like being filled."

"Clearly you're overthinking this. Ariana will love you no matter what becomes of you."

I shook my head, "But it's not about what you think or what she thinks, it's about what I think of myself. I don't want to become someone who lives a life of regrets or wishful thinking. I think becoming a doctor feels like the right thing for me."

"If it's what you think and not what you know then how sure are you that you're meant to be a doctor?"

"You know what I mean," I sighed, "I'm already uncertain about what'll happen in the future so I prefer to just focus on what's happening in the moment. You're lucky you don't have to worry about all this future crap– you already have a stable job and it's a good position. You must be so happy."

"If only I had someone to share this happiness with." He chuckled. "Seriously Harry, the whole point of this conversation is that you don't have to feel so alone about everything. It'll feel like everyone's taken off in their own spirling staircase into adulthood but really we're all shïtting ourselves like you. We're just trying to make it work for ourselves too. But if you believe that having a framed document on a wall in your apartment is the only thing that'll leave you self-fulfilled in life then you're wrong."