The Fragility of Hope (Mavi)

Chapter 2

He'd be the stupidest person in the world if he hadn't already considered talking about his problems to someone on the bus.

He had his eyes clamped shut and an arm strung on top of his forehead to block out this stupid headache he's had for the past two hours, and it didn't seem to work, because it hurt more than ever. Everything was just so loud, and he couldn't help but listen to the bus chatter about around him.

Kirstie was chatting away on her phone to her fiancée, Kevin was talking to Ben, and Scott and Mitch were filming an episode of Superfruit and begging everyone else to be quiet for 'just fifteen more minutes! Please!' He allowed himself an amused snort at Scott's desperate tone; he knew from experience that the only time this bus would ever shut up was at 3am when everyone but Avi was asleep. He wished that it was quiet more often than that, because the pounding in his head was starting to get unbearable. He liked to think it was a result of the monsters waging a war inside his mind, but that was just a fantasy, and he laughed at himself for giving his own sad thoughts a persona.

He could talk to any one of these people about the demons inside his head. But, then again, he knew it wasn't that simple.

Sure, everyone in Pentatonix was friendly enough with each other. Avi shared a deep connection with these guys (and girls), and would call them some of his best friends. But... it wasn't exactly the same happy wonderland that all the fans imagined. When it came down to the wire, they were all work friends, and there were certain boundaries that came with being work friends. He couldn't let himself talk about his depression with the people he worked with because it just wasn't right, and it never would be.

He briefly considered talking to Kevin about it, because that really was his best friend in the whole entire world. But even then, they weren't that close, and it filled him with a melancholy feeling; he couldn't even talk to his best friend about it. Kevin moved out a long time ago to be with his girlfriend, and since then, they hadn't really talked about extremely personal stuff. So that ruled out Kevin.

He thought of Ben for a few seconds, but pushed the thought out as soon as it entered his mind. Ben was very professional and would probably hire some kind of therapist for him, and that would be mortifying. That was the kind of press he couldn't handle right now.

There was Kirstie, too, and there was no one in the entire world that would care more and be more concerned than she would. And that... that was the problem. She had some great things going for her right now, and he didn't want to shove anything more on her plate to worry the poor girl. Besides, they haven't ever talked about personal stuff like that before, and now really wasn't the time to start. They would've had to talk about other personal things before he dropped a bomb as big as the one he was considering, and he didn't want to put the effort into a building up a relationship like that. And then he scolded himself; he can't just use her kindness like that. So, Kirstie was knocked off the list, and buried to the bottom, for that matter.

Scott wouldn't be the worst choice in the world. He was very selfless and understanding, and would easily put himself in Avi's shoes. But once again, that wasn't necessarily a good thing. He would throw himself into Avi's shoes and quickly understand that he had nothing to be depressed about, and wonder why he had self degrading thoughts in the first place. That wouldn't help Avi out at all, so he scratched Scott off the list.

That left Mitch.

Mitch was a very realistic person. He, more than anyone else in the group, would understand that Avi didn't choose to be depressed. He would know that clinical depression is just a chemical imbalance in the brain, and it didn't matter how many good things the bass had going on for him at the moment. He would get it. Avi was only briefly there when the teenage version of Mitch still struggled with anxiety, and recalls their fair share of awkward talks to help him through it. So Mitch and Avi were no strangers to personal talks about mental health, and he knew for a fact that Mitch would only be understanding about his condition.

The only downside was that Mitch had a habit of brushing things off in the sassiest way possible, and Avi didn't know if he was ready for that kind of confrontation. Especially within the past few months; his sassiest had gone of the charts. He knew deep down that it was just an awful excuse so he didn't have to actually talk to Mitch about it, but it was a good enough reason for him.

He squeezed his eyes tighter and tried to stave away his ever expanding headache. It was times like this that he wished Esther was still their tour manager, because it would be so easy to talk to her about it right now. But he knew he couldn't be that selfish, because she was off doing more important things, like taking care of her new baby; Avi's little nephew. It made him smile briefly, before it was washed away by the emotional need to frown. He could call her, but she would panic about her little baby brother, and Avi didn't need to put that kind of stress in her life right now. He couldn't be that selfish to his sister.

He listened to Scott and Mitch laughing together in the background for a few more seconds and surprised himself with the envy he felt towards their relationship. He wished that he could have a friendship like theirs, where no topic was a forbidden territory, and he could get a hug whenever he needed one. Because goddammit, he really needed a hug right now. Their relationship was so carefree and real, and it was obvious to everyone that they were much more than work friends. They were brothers -- no, sisters.

As they continued to laugh, he scolded himself for being a Negative Nancy, because their laughter was like screws in his fucking skull and he had to bite his tongue so hard so stop himself from screaming at them to just shut the fuck up. And... maybe it was so annoying because he was a little bit jealous of them. But he would never admit that to himself. Nope. Not ever.

So as he laid back in his bunk with his eyes screwed shut, he came to the conclusion that he could talk to Mitch if his rapidly decaying sanity became too much to handle alone. And only then, he reminded himself, because Mitch was a work friend and didn't need to see Avi like that. Maybe he would confront him if he ever had those romanticizing thoughts of su--

Never mind. Today was not the day to think about irrational things like that.

So he kept his mouth shut like he's been doing for the past month and listened to Scott and Mitch laugh in the background, before letting his ears zero in on the sweet sound of Mitch's voice that had only gotten higher in the past few months. It stopped annoying him, and instead sounded like wind chimes in the breeze that started to lull him into a restless sleep.

He didn't know why, but Mitch's voice made everything hurt just a little bit less.

***

Oh boy, and it all goes downhill from here :-)

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