Lose or Love Yourself

ONE

                 

"I know we can still handle this. This is just another bump on the road. I mean, we're stronger than this." I pleaded, I cried, I degraded myself for another chance. I did not do anything wrong. Actually, he was the one who made a mistake. But I don't know why I was the one crying and asking for whatever forgiveness he could offer.

                "I am willing to give you another chance. Do not give up on us." Then I cried some more. He was starring at his fingers playing with his lighter while I was on the other end of the table trying to stabilize my breathing. "I just can't do it anymore." He said not even giving me a glance. "Come on, please." I tried to stand up with all the energy I have left, all the love that I could give, because this guy, he means the world to me.

                He's more than just a boyfriend, he was my best friend, my confidant, my food buddy, walking diary, you name it. He's the guy who pretty much compliments my personality. He's reasonable with a good sense of humor, he's witty and he's smart when he wants to be. He has good PR skills, where I really suck at; he talks a lot, just as much as me when I'm on my crazy mood. Our relationship was legit. He was my best friends' best friend, I was his best friends' best friends, our group of friends even collided. We were one. So, I really didn't know how this happened; how this started, what happened to that spark we always had; what has changed? How could he do what he is doing to me?

                Why is this happening to me? Why not to anybody else? Why was I the chosen one to endure this kind of pain? I am not strong enough to carry this on my shoulders.

                I finally stood up and layed my hand on his shoulder and closed my eyes with the never-ending tears pouring down my face. I felt his warmth and kept a mental remembrance of it: his scent, his hair, everything, because this may be the last time.

                "You still wanna fight for us, but I don't want to anymore. There's no point in continuing this relationship when you're the only one loving here. This has become a one-way street."

                Then there was dead air. I did not know what to say to make him change his mind anymore. I have exhausted all that I can, all that I am able, all that I am. What else do I have to offer? I have nothing left that he wants; my unconditional love for him does not interest him.

                So I gave up.

                I wiped my tears, inhaled deeply, and carried along all the strength I have left, which was close to none. I am a mess – I am a walking mess. I still have class to attend to at 18:30, so I better get my shit together.

                I have been through a break-up once before - when I was in high school. I think I can manage through this one.

                "Can I use the restroom? I have to look decent going back to school." I choked at the thought of it. What a way to break the silence.

                He ushered me to the restroom and handed me a roll of tissue. There I looked at my reflection the way I see in movies where they talk to themselves. It was helpful, really. I just told myself to get through the night and I'll figure out everything in the morning – and that he was a little piece of shit, then I felt better.

                When I got out he was still waiting by the door. I stared on the floor and took a deep breath, "just do me one favor," I said with all the hopes that I can without looking at his pretty eyes, "don't get into another relationship just yet, will you?" But I did – look at him - hoping he could see some sparkle in my eyes and be reminded of the love he once had for me. "I am not interested in being in a relationship at the moment.  I want to feel what the free-single life is like. And besides, I have tons of anime and movies and TV series to catch up on that I wouldn't have the time to date or whatever."