Paper Hearts

THEN: Chapter 26

“It’s not that. Though I still think that would do you good. No, I was thinking – you’re bound to hear back from one of the places you sent your CV to soon – “

“You’re more optimistic than I am!”

“Yes, I am. Someone has to be! Anyway, what I’m getting at – I found this really nice flat, a few roads away from here, up at the other end of the High Street; my Dad knows the landlord, so we can get the rent at a bit of a discount, and with the money I’m earning at the moment –“ Emma had found a job as a trainee legal secretary, a job she was born to do, I thought, “ – And just a little contribution from you, we’d be able to afford it. We always did say we were going to live together for a while, while you did uni, and maybe that’s not happening now but it doesn’t mean our plans have to change! Plus I know you feel guilty, being under your parents’ feet all the time”

I gawped at her, “Em, you can’t be serious”

“I am” she was beaming, she looked more excited than I would have imagined her to be, “It’ll be such fun, Eddie, and I love George, and I can help you look after him – “

“I don’t need help”

“I’m not saying you do, don’t get all prickly with me, I just meant I’d be on hand if you ever needed me to be....what do you say?”

“No”

Emma’s face fell; I felt a split-second of guilt. I’d never seen Emma look so animated about anything before, and I’d shot her idea down before it even got off the ground.

“What? But why, Eddie?! It’s a great idea!”

“It’s charity. I won’t take your charity”

She looked hurt, ridiculously so, almost as though I’d slapped her, “Eden! It’s not charity, I’m not giving you the place for free! It’s a shared thing, I’ll split the rent with you as soon as you have a decent job...I’m just offering to take less from you because I know things are hard and you have George to support, I’m not doing it to make you feel – to make you feel inferior or anything”

“I know you’re not, I know you’re trying to be nice, but I can’t accept, Ems, I can’t”

“Look, Eden, you’ll be doing me a favour as well, okay, the transport links are better from there than at my house and, tell you the truth, my parents are driving me up the wall right now, I need some space. It would be good for both of us”

I didn’t know what to say. My eyes darted over to George, who was watching my Nan build a tower of bricks with intent eyes, waiting to knock it down as soon as she was done. Mere seconds after I turned away, I heard the loud clatter of the bricks and George’s delighted giggle. I smiled a little, but when my eyes met Emma’s again they were filled with tears.

“Eddie” Emma’s voice grew gentle, understanding, “I know you feel like you’re giving in by accepting this. And I know that it isn’t exactly how you hoped things would be for you at this present moment in time...I know you wanted to be living with Ollie and commuting to uni and maybe not even thinking about starting a family yet, but that isn’t how things have worked out. You’ve got to make the best of what you have! And I’m offering to help you. You and George. I do love him, you know, I care about you both. I want to help. Let me help”

“You’re really serious?”

“Deadly” Emma’s eyes were twinkling; she was suddenly grinning, “Please, Eddie”

I looked from her to George and back again. My eyes scanned the living room, the only home I’d ever had. Leaving it would feel strange, impossibly so, like I was leaving a part of me behind. And yet, in a way, I suspected it would also feel like a form of freedom.

“Okay” I said at last, “Okay, I’ll come live with you. But oh my God, Ems, how am I ever going to thank you for this?”

Ollie:

I was still having dreams, strange, disjointed dreams that always involved Eden somehow. Sometimes it felt like she was trying to tell me something, but her words were always carried away on the wind, swept too far away for me to hear. Sometimes the dreams were the sort that you tend to avoid discussing in public, though if I woke up the morning after one of these dreams to smirks and titters from Will and Josh, I knew I’d been moaning her name in my sleep. Sometimes, the dreams became nightmares, and these were often more vivid, more shocking. I would envision Eden being hurt, Eden crying, Eden in the arms of another man (usually Jack). I would wake from these dreams gasping and needing a good long drink of water; I’d sit and read for a while to take my mind off of what I’d seen, though that rarely worked. She never got out of my head.

In the whole year that passed from the night I’d woken up in a unexplained sweat at sixteen minutes past three, I took exactly four days of leave. The others took more, varying their patterns, but I had nowhere else to go, so I mostly stayed. For a while we were camped near some of the female officers; Will took a shine to one called Jenny, and even after they departed to another camp the two of them still wrote to each other. I was insanely jealous of the pair of them.

One of the female officers was golden-haired and dark-eyed, a short but strong and wiry 22-year-old called Emily. She took my mind off of Eden for the few months that we were in range of one another – only ever temporarily, of course, and only ever through sex, but she was soon gone, and I remained in need of distraction. Ralph remained concerned, questioning me after any absences, wincing at the scent of perfume that sometimes remained on me after one of my days of leave.

“Oz, I think you should speak to someone. A professional”

I snorted at Kieran’s remark, pulled the trigger and hit my target without hesitation. He rolled his eyes; he’d missed the last three in a row, but only out of distraction – Kieran was a bloody good soldier.

“A shrink, you mean? Please. I’m not crazy”

“I’m not saying you’re crazy...and to be fair, I’m not even sure if the shrinks here deal with stuff that isn’t work-related. I think they’re mostly here for PTSD. But still. You should try talking to someone”

“I talk to you, don’t I? And to Ralph. Not that I have much choice in the matter, seeing as all you two ever do is fuss around me like a pair of mother hens”

Kieran looked hurt, “We’re concerned about you, Oz. Me and Ralph...we think you’re depressed”

“Well of course I am, I could have told you that months ago”

“No, I mean...I mean clinically depressed. Like, seriously”

“You’re overreacting” I snapped, my voice coming out harsher than I had intended.

“And you’re in denial. This isn’t normal, being this crazy over a break-up, it just isn’t. You know that’s true”

I turned away from him, “Kieran, let’s not discuss this, okay? If I say I’m fine, I’m fine. You’re my best friend. You owe it to me to believe that I know my own mind”

When I looked at him again his mouth was slightly open; it was clear that he wanted to say something else, but when I fixed my eyes on his, he shook his head and clamped his jaw shut.

“Okay. Okay, fine. But I swear, Oz, if I say this to you again, you need to listen to me. Because if I say it again, it means I’m deadly serious. If I say it again, it means I’m certain. Okay?”

I didn’t say anything to that, because a tiny part of me knew that he was right. And he was already certain.