A Shade of Cool

XI: Back to Me

"Did you hear about the party?"

"I heard Noah killed him."

"I heard Jacob made a move on Eric."

"I heard Ana was two timing Eric!"

"I knew Ana and Jacob were a thing!"

Rumours ran wild throughout the day but I was afraid to say, I really didn't care. Just a mere twenty four hours ago I was locking lips with the boy I'd loved since the first time I'd seen him. We had stayed like that for a moment, his body close to mine and his sweet smell surrounding me. His lips were soft, even when he pressed hard against mine. They were gentle and soothing. His touch was magnificently enchanting as he caressed and and pulled me in. For a split second it was just us, locked away in a whirlwind as the rest of the world faded from sight.

It would've been perfect. If he hadn't pulled away and left.

I wanted to call him back, run after him and beg him to kiss me again. Instead I just watched him walk away from me leaving me flustered and a mess. I stood there, in the dark, breathing roughly as I watched Noah vanish into the night. I was confused and slightly angry at him but in a way I got it, it must've been hard, hearing that from a friend.

During Avery's mocking on the way home I messaged him:

ME: 'Hey, thank you for tonight. I would be happy if we could talk about it? :)'

Nothing.

I was tempted not to push the situation, until I noticed he hadn't gotten the bus the next day, he wasn't in the cafeteria and he wasn't there on the way home. In fact, Noah had dropped off the face of the Earth, it felt. The thought of it terrified me. I've scared him off, he's avoiding me. Than that dumb side of me tuned in, No, Jacob. Everything is okay, you're okay. He'll be back. The next day, I pumped myself up with these words of wisdom and headed bravely onto the bus. There sat my seat, bare and empty.

ME: 'Are you okay?'

ME: 'Noah?'

A week drew by without a word and as the loneliness set in I found myself wanting to turn to Ana. Seeing her with Eric, smiling and happy made me remember my place with her. That's if there was even a place at all.

I sat by myself studying most of the time. They never tell you how scary it is by yourself. I was like this for a while by I have Ana to keep me company. Now? I pretty much had no one. And I couldn't blame anyone but myself. Why did I have to tell Noah? Why didn't i just put up with Eric for Ana's sake? Why did I fuck everything up? My guilt and bad feelings kept me distant for the rest of the week. Avery and Marissa's lives went past and mine stayed still. One night I slipped Noah's CD into my computer and laid on my bed, snuggling into the warm covers as I heard the sweet voice of Ian Curtis. I held the covers close to me as I intoxicated myself with the songs, my eyes tearing up with every lyric.

I repeated this, every night until I grew sick of crying and feeling bad for myself - I wished... instead I held that idea in my head for a while before giving in and playing the CD, snuggling into my covers and crying.

Waking up Saturday morning I knew it was going to be a worse day than the previous ones had been. We headed to the hospital like a 'family' to see Mom off. Today she was to be put in the insitute for what the doctor called a 'short stay' but I knew, I felt, it would be much longer. Dreading it, I followed my sisters into my Mom's room and saw her for the first time, standing and dressed. She was rough looking now, stuffed in a big grey jumper with baggy jogging bottoms and trainers on her. Completely not her look. And that broke my heart mostly because now I had the inkling of how she felt. Finally, I got it.