blurry face - phan

chapter twenty two

Dan hates it. But lately, that's all he's been feeling.

He's stuck in the vicious cycle of grief.

***

phil

Phil was trying to study.

But he's already moved on. He's just sitting on his bed aimlessly as of the present. University work is the definition of boring. He doesn't know how he's going to survive years of this.

It hasn't even been a week and he's already wishing that he was actually dead so he wouldn't have to go to class.

The people there were all stupid and fake, as if they've never quite grown out of their high school selves yet. Phil just stays by himself most of the time - which is fine by him.

He likes being alone, it gives him more time to just sit and think. Think about Dan, think about Shane, think about the pain in his heart...

He's had a lot of time to think about how he feels about Dan as well. He knows he cares immensely for the boy, and their personalities just seem to... Click. Phil doesn't know how to explain his feeling for him, the only work he can seem to ever come up with is love.

Is that what he feels for Dan? Love?

Phil also wonders how Dan himself feels - is he getting over him? Is he moving on with his life? Does he still miss Phil? Phil sometimes wishes he could just follow Dan around and watch him live his life and read his mind.

He technically could do that - not the reading Dan's mind bit, but the following bit - but if he got caught he could be reported as a stalker - a dead stalker. Plus Phil is too tall and clumsy to be a successful stalker.

Phil's phone suddenly starts ringing. He answers it quickly when he sees the caller ID.

"Chris my man," Phil says cheerily into the phone, "what's happening?"

"Argh, I have this crappy ass job, and then there's Uni..." Chris grumbles, "it's bloody miserable. Like high school."

"Yeah, same with me. I haven't moved out yet though - I can't seem to find a job. No one wants to hire the scary punk dude," Phil jokes.

"I wonder why mate," Chris laughs before turning serious, "anyway, I called to say that Shane thinks you're dead. How did you manage that?"

"He tried to kill me, but I was found bleeding out. I survived but Shane must think I'm dead," Phil replies with a shrug.

"He was telling me some kid told him, Dean or-"

"Dan?" Phil asks, shocked.

"Yeah, it was Dan. He told Shane," Chris says.

Phil sighs, running a hand through his hair, tugging at his fringe. He feels tears pool in his eyes and he's struggling not to cry on the phone to Chris.

Dan Howell - will he ever leave Phil's life even just for one day? Not bloody likely.

"Okay, look Chris I gotta go..." Phil starts.