Letters to My Bestfriend

January 6, 2016

Dear Shay,

Its a new year, and I've missed you these past two years. I'm one year older, and you would have been 26 now, celebrating with me. Another birthday without you.  Maybe  you'd be face timing me since you'd still be finishing that internship you never saw the acceptance letter to. I truly do miss you. I work hard to forget, in two weeks it'll be two years since you became ill. Next month it'll be a month since you passed. 

I wonder how those fifteen people you gave a second chance to are. Do they wonder what happened to the person responsible for their heart, corneas, or do they look in the mirror and see those burn scars and wonder who the person whose skin has blended into their own seeming to be one was. I would, I wonder who they are. Did they make it through okay? Are they loved? Does the person who carries your heart in their chest feeling you there, or do they have that same kind heart and treat everyone around them like you treated us? Your mother's cancer has gotten worse, I can't stand  looking at her and seeing you there. 

Sometimes I'm jealous, all those who got a part of you have you, and they don't known how lucky they are to have you so close. Everyday I feel you drift further and further away from me. I hold you deep within me. I wish you could call me or hug me. A year older and a year further away from when I last held you. I treasure my memories, holding you deep within. I cry out your name into the dark hoping you'll appear and tell me it's okay. Even if you'd gotten married and I'd see you off to that new city with that guy I'd threaten a million times, it would  be better. I'm here talking to you waiting for an answer only getting the wind to reply. I miss you as much as I did yesterday. I feel sadness, and longing but there's nothing I can do but live as if you were here. Life goes on and sometimes I feel like I'm not but maybe that's the way it should be.

Love, 

Eli