Breaking Val

One- Still Gold

My name is Valerie Michelle Parker, I am 19 years old and I think I am fat. I have anorexia, and frankly as awesome as it is to be the smallest of my friends this disease is a nightmare.
Four years ago Ana and I became friends. She almost killed me, with succession, ive been declared dead too many times in this regard. I was hospitalized for 6 months, I will die before I ever go back.

Those are my usual thoughts, each morning as I slowly find the strength to drag myself out of this coffin like bed I sleep in. Out of bed, I go downstairs of this student home un noticed, craving my morning cigarette. I take my time in the morning, each inhale and exhale against my empty, flabless, bone caged lounges, and empty stomach, is like a release to the world. That morning head rush is the best.

I make a piece of toast 50 calories and the proper proportion of  low fat peanut butter 70 calories. 130 calories. Disgusting. I go take my shower, get ready for school. Still regretting my food intake I get into the car. Time to pick up the queen, Amy.

In the car I am shaking, I always feel weak. Good days and bad days as the therapists explain it. Although I'm just weak, that is why I'm shaking, contemplating if I can make it out of the driveway, to Amy's, to school. Only to reverse it later. I pop a xanex.

Amy has been my friend since we were in the 7th grade and now college apart from being the together. Amy has this magical power I swear. Every boy wants her straight brown hair, thin but curvy body. She is truly beautiful. I am a skeleton, empty blue eyes, bone straight blonde hair, pale lifeless skin, and body fat or curves? None.

I love Amy, I just don't understand how she does it. How she can make anyone, anyone. Want her, walking with her in the halls with the constant murmurs and comments she pretends not to hear. "Amy's ass, have you seen Amy's too today? Look at those melons? If God  had any sympathy he would make her mine."
Amy pretends she can't hear them although I know she loves it. She's been dating Joel for 3 years now, another one of our friends. People tell him he is lucky and he knows this to be true. Joel is 6'2 with eyes that pierce through the soul, he is into working out leaving him with some godly form of a body. On top of the outer, he's a genius, he gets good grades, but doesn't let anyone know how smart he truly is.

Anyone but me. Him crawling in my window at 1 am to just sit with me so we can read or study, watch documentaries, anything. I love Joel, but I am an good friend and he belonged to Amy and Ana owns me.

We meet up with Hanna, my other best friend.
Amy and Joel are against the germ possessed lockers in the college, making the world clear that the two of them are an item not to be messes with. I would I I could, but no one wants me. Hanna and I have known each other for 2 years, since our first college semester. She is so polite, so positive, and never has anything bad to say about anyone. She accepts me so I like her. A sweet girl with a thin frame she doesn't have to work for, and curls of fiery red that fall over her shoulders. My friends are beautiful.
We stop at the coffee show in our school, I watch as they all order coffees with creams and sugars (calories you all don't need) the list continues, they skipped breakfast. So a muffin, bagel and 2 croissants are ordered. Then it's my turn "medium black coffee with on shot of espresso. Yep that's it." The usual conversation but I am burning calories as I watch my friends consume fats and sugars and God .. Those carbs. Although me with my calorie burning black coffee plus espressos, my addiction to stairs.
Compared to them I am golden.
I am skinny.
I am gold.

The bell rings, we all say our goodbyes and split towards classes, Joel's in my program, as were walking he stops me, right before the door.

Come walk with me, we need to talk

His words going over and over in my brain as he leads me to whatever place he wants to talk at.

Short chapter I apologize but I'm trying.
So here we go, as I go on the journey of completing this book give me comments please. :) truly I'm doing my best here.