a c i d.

{12}

{Rakim}

"What do you want me to do?" She asked in a faint voice, desperate almost.

Honestly, I didn't want her to do anything. She constantly seemed to want approval from somebody for something, or closure. And bet, I wasn't the type of nigga to be able to give none of that to her. Especially being that from my perspective, she wanted me away from her for the longest. She did everything in her power to get away from me, now she's doing everything to keep me with her.

"Why?" I responded coolly. She just looked away from me, clenching her jaw some, making the light scar across the side of her face visible. It dawned on me that this was her way of answering my question, and I bit my lip. "What do you want me to do..." She repeated, pausing and taking a pill. "Do you want me to tell you the truth or you want me to kick your ass out like I always do?" I asked her and she glanced up at me, a hopeful look in her eye.

"I want you to sit here and tell me why you ran away."

She sat up straight, running her palms across her legs. For a while she said nothing, so I just sighed and got up, preparing to leave the room until she said something. "You said..you didn't forgive me, right? I let you hate me. I did you a favor..." I stopped, keeping my back faced towards her. "I made sure I got everything when you weren't there. I still have her things. Most of them. You were not there when I got my things and you couldn't be there to stop or yell at me. I was gone...for a month. You didn't notice so you didn't care. And then he found me and...fixed everything. Here I am." Her tone was shaky, jittery almost, and I almost forgot that she needed to take a drug before telling me the entire truth. I looked over my shoulder at her to see her still running her palms on her legs, not looking at me.

"Except I did notice. I would've expected you to come back, and you didn't. I had to find out about that nigga from somebody else." I said, turning my body around. "You were gone before I could even ask why you didn't listen to me." She started shaking her head. "No, I'm not having this with you." She started to get up. "We're gonna have to, and you keep avoiding the goddamn subject." I snapped at her and she just glared. "No, we're not, I was just fine with your reminder to keep me going, thanks." She got up again and tried to push past me to the door. "Do you want a repeat of this shit? Really? Sit your ass down Hazel." She opened her mouth to say something and I just pointed. "Sit."

She backed away from me. "Why do you insist on running from me, coming back, then running again." She just shook her head again. "I'm trying to leave and you won't let me." She gasped stubbornly, and I didn't even notice she was crying until I actually got a good look at her face. "Because how many times have you left and ended up here? What's the point of you doing that? You think I don't notice shit?" I said loudly and she looked away from me again. "Look at me." I grabbed her face. "Stop yelling..." She said quietly and I just laughed. "I'll stop when you stop letting me have so much control over you." I let her go. "There's your answer to your previous question."

She sat down again, shifting her weight to lay down across the couch. "I'm so sorry." She said simply. "I know you hate me because you miss her. I'm so sorry."

I walked up to her, sitting down beside her. "She wanted me to turn around, and I wanted to. I was too late. I'm sorry." I just looked down at her and nodded. "Why was I mad." She asked and I shrugged. "The same reason why you're mad now." I shook my head. "You know, one day, I'm not going to come back..." She said hesitantly. Suddenly, I thought about when I heard her screaming and crying. I wasn't ready for that yet, so I didn't say anything. "You heard me, right?" She asked and I nodded slightly. "I'm going to want you to eventually."

She sat up, crossing her legs. "I have until 11." She said slowly. "Then I have to leave." She reached over and grabbed my hand, patting it lightly. I shook my head again. "You don't have to. You don't owe me anything, you paid me already." I answered her. "I didn't mean business. But I'm fine like this too." She laid across my lap again and I leaned back. "Can we also act like this did not happen?" She asked. "I wasn't planning on it anyway." I responded. "You never told me why you were up here alone." "I cannot fucking wait for whatever pill you took to fucking wear off already." I looked down at her. "Stop asking me so many questions."

It took her half an hour to return to normal. At 9:45, she fell asleep and didn't wake up until 10:05. During her 20 minute nap I thought again about why she left. I never told her I cared because I don't. It's not in me to care about anybody other than myself. She knew how dangerous it was for me. I also thought about how she worded it. How he 'fixed' her, which he obviously did a shitty job at if she still needs things from me to keep her fucking sanity. But when she did wake up, she kept mumbling Shaela's name. I shook her lightly to get her to stop.

"I'm sorry." She mumbled again, sitting up. "What time is it. Sorry." She dug in her pockets and checked her time. "He didn't call or text, he must be asleep." She said mostly to herself than me. I just watched her. "What exactly do you see in him?" I asked. "He's a saint." I laughed at that. "He puts me before anything else. Even his talent. He's a saint." She looked me in the eyes. "However, I don't believe in sinner's redemption. I'm damned. That answers your question. That's why I'm coming back." She got up, leaving the room and me speechless.

She came back in a few minutes later, kneeling down and hugging me close. "I can't keep abandoning you." She got back up, grabbing everything she came with, and left without another word.