a c i d.

{5}

{Hazel}

I stared down at the phone for a little while before putting it down, placing my hands back on the steering wheel of Sasha's car. I sighed, thinking about what I was about to get myself into. I didn't even want the drugs tonight. That would just mean another payment and another payment meant doing the exact same thing I'm about to do tomorrow night.

Since it wasn't a business fuck, I texted Chris to let him know I'd be home late, or maybe even the next morning. I used the excuse of Sasha being drunk and me having to look after her, one I only used on him twice before. He knew I had a busy life so he never asked or looked into it, but I couldn't help that voice in the back of my mind telling me it's all gonna catch up to me soon. Because it will, and I know that it would, yet I still find myself coming back.

It's not entirely about the drugs with his case. Chris is there, yes, and he does care for me and love me like he should, but some nights when I need a distraction he's out with Ty. Him, on the other hand, doesn't care about me at all, probably has dozens of other sidelines waiting, but still finds the time for me when requested. And I find time for him. If he wants to fuck, I swallow my pride to swallow down his. And when I want it, he'll go to lengths to give it to me. Not all at once, but he'll still find a way to fuck me the way Chris doesn't.

Chris infuses his emotions when with me. He puts passion into it. I only feel shame with the other.

I rose out of my thoughts and started the car, sliding my panties off for a headstart. He didn't seem to pleased over the phone and he prefers it easy. Teasing only when he wants to tease. I drove and pulled up to the apartment I stopped by earlier, staring up at it and sighing. I got out, not bothering to ring the buzzer as the guard already knew what the deal was. I stepped inside the elevator, pressing the correct floor and saying a silent prayer to myself on the ride up. When I got out and made the walk of shame to the last door on the right, it was already unlocked, and I placed my hand on the doorknob for a minute before entering.

I stepped inside cautiously, examining. Semi-automatics and tech 9's were hanging on the wall, the safe was on the floor by the hallway entrance and I draped my coat over the bass speaker, clearing my throat. "Ra..." I called out, stepping into the living room. "Sit." A voice called from the other room and I looked around nervously, making my way over to the couch and sitting down gingerly. He appeared in the doorway, throwing a small baggie of acid tabs and Xanax. I stared at it as it hit the coffee table, picking it up. "Isn't it dangerous to mix?" I sneered bravely and he mocked me coldly. "Ain't your life dedicated to mixing dangerous things?" He shot back and I remained quiet again.

I opened the bag, taking the Xanax first and swallowing it dry. I kicked off my heels, leaning back into the couch and staring at the wall. He shook his head, coming my way and pulling his wife beater off. "Look at you..." He spoke, and I wasn't sure if it was to me or himself because the effects were starting to kick in. "Busting your ass on the streets to making statements and posing..." He held my face in his hands, rubbing his thumb were a long, jagged scar used to be. "Got your ass a upper class boyfriend, living the life in the hills..." He continued as my jaw clenched. "Saved you from being a hoe..." He leaned down, kissing my neck gently and biting it softly as tears welled in my eyes. "And you still are."

-

"I wanna hear you say it."

He grabbed my face roughly in his hands, keeping the same hard stare. Sweat was slicked on me, and I was about as stripped down as my dignity was. "I said. I want to hear you say it." He gripped harder and I winced, whimpering out. "I'm a slut." I said in a hoarse voice. "And I'm your slut."

He grinned in satisfaction, slapping my ass and pulling out of me, letting go of my face. I knew the routine and I was far from done. He laid out on his back, gripping my hair tightly in his hands before finishing him off, taking a minute to swallow. He flipped me over to have a second meal, squirming sinfully as I reached either my third or fourth peak, I had stopped counting. He finished up and lit himself a blunt, and I put my underwear on and excused myself out the bed and stumbled into the bathroom, taking an acid tab with me.

Usually, his rule was never give me one unless I was completely empty. I stopped the Xanax trip maybe halfway into the first round, but I knew I still had it in me because I was sweating from both the sex and the pill. I wrapped the acid tab anyway, placing it on my tongue and closing my eyes as I locked the door, laying in the bathtub.

I felt my breathing quicken as I gripped the edge of the tub, preparing for a desperate trip. I really just needed to get this off my mind, I didn't even know what time it was or how loud I was being or even the fact that I tripped so hard I blacked out.

I felt a jet stream of water blast me and I shrieked some, sitting up straight in the tub and sputtering for air. The shower turned off as he snicked, throwing a towel at me. "I know you're not in here tryna kill yourself. Not after the shit I just gave you." He took a seat on the toilet as I wiped my face, closing my eyes shut. "N-No, just trying to..." "I already know, you do that shit all the time and it's annoying as fuck." He lit himself another blunt and I opened my eyes, staring up at the ceiling. It was quiet for a moment before I finally spoke. "I don't know if I wanna do this anymore."

He looked up from the assortment he was doing on the sink, raising a brow. "What?" I looked down for a moment, trying to keep my thoughts together. "This. The drugs, the sex, the cheating on-" He cut me short with a glare. "You the one who dropped out after some lame took your innocent ass and got ya ass put out." He spat with venom. "Ain't nobody fuckin' tell you to come to my ass saying you'd do whatever for some money."

I turned to look at him, shocked. I opened my mouth, then closed it. He was right. I didn't have to tell my mom and not report it. I didn't have to beg him to let me stay and I'd do as he pleased. "And nobody fuckin' told you to run off with-" "Don't you even bring that shit up, Rakim." I grit my teeth, watching him smirk slyly. "He don't even know, do he?" I sat up in the tub. "Do he?"

I looked away, shaking my head. "He just..found me.." He laughed loudly at that. "Then lemme get something straight with your uppity ass." He said as he finished off the blunt, putting it out on the sink. "He don't know nothing that I don't. He don't even know what I know, and trust me babygirl, I know a whole lot more. You can dream of getting as far away from me as possible, but you know your ass gon' come right back. You're still gonna buy and owe me money and get scared of spending too much so you come back to fuck me. You're still gonna live with the shit that you did for life, I will too, but you know what?"

I let the weak tears fall this time. "You made the decision to leave. You did that shit all on your own, so you deserve the shit you get from me. And I'll keep giving the shit to you, cause deep down, you're not gonna forget me and that shit so quickly. You're gonna hate yourself as much as I do you." He got up, leaving the bathroom as I let everything he said sink in.