If Only...

HAVING BREAD ON THE BOARD

"What?" I croak at Stella. Her eyes glaze over and the fake smike returns.

"Yeah, but don't worry, hon. It's just the ones from April's wedding and a couple others."

My eyes widen, but my chance to speak completely in turn is snatched away when Lily pries my mouth open. "Here, drink this." I do, and the taste of peppermint explodes in my mouth. It doesn't taste like vomit anymore and I thank Lily internally for it as I gargle and then rinse into a nearby sink that Mandy points to.

Before I can voice my gratitude, my mouth is clamped shut again, and my face and limbs are patted with damp tissues. I'd rather a nice long shower, but I knew the urgency. Butterflies took flight every time I thought of what was going to happen next.

Today. . .

"Just a touch . . ." April murmurs, and then pats some make-up onto my face. Some stray particles fly and enter my nose, and I let out a powerful sneeze.

It hurt. God, did it hurt. But I don't let it show. I had to be strong for them. Oh, I wonder how Dan--

"And . . . done." April sighs, before cupping my face in her hands. The intensity of emotions in her eyes was heartwarming. "You look perfect, Alex." She adds, kissing my cheek. I try to talk, but my throat is parched. I open my mouth, and then close it again. I don't say it out loud, but I want to tell them what they mean to me. Before I . . . before it's too late.

"I thought you were on your honeymoon." It comes out instead.

"I was. But I wouldn't miss this for the world." We share a teary-eyed grin, but not one drop is shed. And I needed to keep it that way.

"Here it comes! . . . ." Stella lets out another high-pitched squeal, and April moves away so I am directly facing the long, flowing white dress. A wedding dress. My wedding dress.

Heat--actually, a ball of heat with icy needles on it bounces off my gut. I really can't explain it more than that. It was not bittersweet. It was a speck of hope enveloped by the dark. I cross my fingers, rooting for the light.

I blow through my mouth as Aynsely and Mandy help me to my feet, and hold me until I can feel my toes. They were painfully numb. I remember what Val had said about morphine and Dan--

"You ready?" I nod bleakly, not believing that I was. But I knew this day was coming, didn't I? Did I?

I end that train of thought abruptly when Lily and Mandy steer me into the restroom, and then feel the thin hospital robe being lifted off my head. A shiver crawls up my spine when the cold rushes in, making me constrict my arms around myself.

"I know, sweetie . . ." Lily gushes, rubbing my bared back for some warmth. It does little to help, but I was glad she was here, trying. And I was glad that I was here, letting her. A rush of memories flood my headspace, starting from the first day I had met her, and how she had saved my lunch money.

I laugh aloud at that, and Lily actually shudders.

"What?" She asks, forcing a smile. I shake my head.

"Just thinking . . ."

Lily hums an answer as she diligently brings the white dress over my head, watching out even for the lint like it would hurt me.

Would it?

I feel my cracked lips curve down again, but I keep my face shielded, unknowingly playing with the lace on the dress.

"Danny picked that out, you know." Lily breathes, reaching around to zip me up, attentive of the IV stand and the oxygen tank as Mandy gives them a once-over.