If Only...

BITTER AS CHICORY

In the last ten minutes that my entire world had stopped revolving, I have been wrong about many things.

I was wrong about everything turning out to be fine. I was wrong in assuming that Fate had drawn enough of tears from me.

But more than anything, I was wrong about Danny.

I sit frozen, staring into his puffy red eyes as he clears his throat to speak. Rationalism, along with hope, has long abandoned me.

"I've been looking for the right time to ask you this all my life, Alex. I've been planning this moment from the very first day I laid eyes on you."

"Danny." I breathe, but he goes on.

"I wanted you to want to say yes for all the right reasons."

I love you with everything I have!

Isn't that reason enough?

But the words won't creep past my mouth. It hurts to talk.

He reaches forward for both my hands, watching out for the tubes. But they still shiver, moving from the trembles my body is giving out.

"I love you more than anything else and I would not change a single thing, Alex. I love you, you love me. No more drama. Just be mine, baby."

"I . . .am yours." I swallow, but my throat still burns. It feels like it's caught in a grand inferno, like my chest had last night.

No . . .

"Be mine forever." One of his hands reaches into his jacket pocket, and out comes exactly what I had thought would come.

"Danny--" I clench.

"Alexandra." He swallows, and then he looks at me square in the eyes.

"Marry me."

It was not a question. It didn't even mimic a request in the least. But it was the most heartfelt two words spoken by a broken man down on his knees, who knew very well that he was going to lose me. Yet, he rose out of that misery and put a smile on his face.

I know what I'm supposed to say. But more importantly, I know what I'm supposed to say to him now.

"I'm so sorry. I can't."

I swallow and lean back into the bed again and close my eyes shut, but it isn't enough to stop the tears. Now that this vaguely familiar time has returned, I've turned to practical thinking. But what state I am in right now can't possibly match anything I've ever been through.

What have I done wrong to deserve this Fate? . . .

If he had asked me just yesterday . . .

I hear a shuffle of noises as he gets to his feet, and I know he's going to walk straight outside, and then cry his eyes out, defeated. But I have no ounce of strength left in me to hold him. I don't even have the strength to compose myself so I could see Rosie one last time.

I hurt so much. It's just waves of endless hurt. . .

My watery eyes snap open when Danny grips my hand, and I search his face for one reason why he would. Doesn't he see?

"I'm not giving you a choice now, Alexandra." He chokes, the passion blazing in his eyes.

The pain lessens at the sight of him this way, but then it returns when I realize with pressing need that I have to turn his love down again.

"Danny . . . I love you. You know I do. But . . . just think about this for a second." What I had meant for to come out in a placating and soothing tone, only sounded desperate. Like I wanted him to oppose me.