Despondency

It's Better To Burn Than To Fade Away

-

"Sorry I'm a bit late Mr. Dawson". I kept my head down and he just said it was okay. He's always very nice towards me. I took my place in the back as always with Scarlet next to me. "Hey, where were you?". I shook my head and forced a smile on my face. "I slept from my alarm". Scarlet knew I never did that but I think she's starting to doubt everything she knows about me. I wouldn't blame her though. I don't feel like the person I was not long ago. We got told to write a short story about how other people affected our lives. How ironic. All through class we sat in silence and worked with our assignments. Scar glanced at me a few times to make sure I was okay and I appreciated it.

About 2 months ago I got a job at the local Starbucks. I know it was a typical place to work as a teenager but I needed to get my mind off everything. If I sat down in my room for no longer than 5 hours my thoughts would wander back to a certain person and I would rather avoid that. He hadn't tried to call or text me since he left. Apparently the letter and the video was the only thing he left me after all of the things we went through. Was it weird that I felt disappointed? But now that I recall I don't think he ever cared about me. I know he didn't say that in the letter but how could you ever leave someone you cared about? Just pretending that they didn't exist? I didn't understand that at all. Even I still talk to Aaron even though he's my ex boyfriend. I still cared about him a lot. I would always be there if he needed me. Lost in my own thoughts, I made my way down to my workplace and entered the café and the warmth and scent of coffee hit me in the face. I smiled slightly and walked to the desk and behind it. "Hey Millie. It doesn't look busy today". Millie was my co-worker. I met her on my first day in the café and she called me a lost cause when I couldn't get the coffee machine to work. We just kind of clicked. She has helped me ever since. She was a small brunette and her choice of outfit was a bit different from mine. Her style was cuter and more girly. She always reminded me of those girls in romantic movies that has nice clothes but somehow doesn't look like those fake girls. She wears classy clothes but in a good way. I liked that about her. And she always smiled. She was almost never angry even though the costumers sometimes were a little rude. "No, I think they're all still in school". I nodded and we hugged before she threw the apron my way. "I'm behind the desk today, you clean tables". I nodded and grabbed a cloth. I didn't mind cleaning the tables, actually I preferred it. I still sucked at making coffee.

After an hour and a half Starbucks started to be crowded. I worked on high speed and so did Millie. We wanted everyone to satisfied with both their coffees, their food and the cafés setting. "Clara someone wants to sit at that table but it hasn't been cleaned yet". I nodded at Millie and hurried over and wiped the table for the guys who wanted to sit there. "I'm sorry, it's all clean now", I apologized and gave them a small smile. "hey it's okay. It looks like you have enough to deal with-", he started and looked down to look at my name tag. "-Clara". "I'm fine. I don't mind working". I didn't want to be one of those people in a restaurant or a store who hates their jobs. They're always so rude towards the costumers. I used to be a little scared of them. "Well Clara I really admire that. I'm Oliver". The guy reached out and shook my hand softly. He was only a bit taller than me and had blue eyes and blond hair. He was the complete opposite of Brad. He wasn't that muscular and unlike Brad his outfit and way to behave didn't scream danger. And still he wasn't like Aaron either. It was like he was in-between. "Nice to meet you Oliver". The other guys represented themselves also and Oliver followed me up to the desk so he could order their coffees. "So how come a girl like you get a job here?". "A girl like me?". I didn't know what he meant. Why wouldn't I get a job here? "You know. Pretty, sweet and you seem smart". I blushed at his kind words and let my hair cover my face. I went behind the counter and smiled politely at him. "So what can I get you?". He laughed at my professional tone and leaned up against the counter. " A tall caramel frappe, black coffee and a grande Caramel hot chocolate". I wrote their names and orders down on the a paper and started making them. I was still a bit unsure of what to do but luckily Millie showed up and helped me. "Who's that hottie?", she whispered as he was looking away. "Oliver?". She giggled and nodded. I took a good look at him. Now that I noticed he was pretty handsome. When he smiled he had dimples on both sides and his teeth were surprisingly white. His blonde hair was messy and not too short but not too long either. Then I made eye contact with him. Fuck. He noticed me staring at him. Now completely red in the face I called their names and placed his orders on the table. "Can I maybe get your number to go with my drinks?", he asked sweetly. I laughed at his way of asking for my number. It was different. He didn't steal it from me like Brad and he wasn't nervous like Aaron. Thinking back to Brad my chest started to tighten and I swallowed hard before nodding. Brad would kill me if he saw me with another guy. I think that on the outside he couldn't care less but inside he had an opinion on everything. What people wore, what music they heard, how they're raised and everything. I told myself to stop thinking about him. He will never come back. I tried calling him on my phone after I heard him sing but I couldn't reach him. I think he got rid of his phone because of his parents. If I could just talk to him once. Let him explain everything. Even though I couldn't be with him I still wasn't ready to let him go.

After giving my number to Oliver I felt really bad. It felt wrong to give him my number. Like I was cheating on Brad, but we weren't even together. God this is so confusing. "Are you okay Clara?". I turned around a little too fast making me almost stumble over my own feet. I grabbed the counter behind me for reassurance. "I'm f-fine". I blinked a couple of times and looked at my hands. My vision was a bit blurry even though I was wearing my glasses. I felt like this, every time I thought about Brad. Which is most of the time to be honest. I don't know how one guy can have such a huge impact on your life? Still, he was the first to find out about my mom. He was the first to see me cry, other than my dad and Jacob though, and he made me feel safe. He made me feel worthy of this world. And now I can't see him or reach out to him. "Maybe you should go home. It's okay". I thanked her and took off my apron before hurrying out of the door. 'Lately it seems like everybody's sick, everybody's dying. Build myself a wall of unhappy hearts and only my heart knows my head is lying, lying.' Panic! At the Disco's 'Oh Glory' was blaring out of my ear pods on my way home. I had recently taken a liking in them and now I just can't stop listening to them. Brendon Urie's voice just goes straight to my heart and I'm pretty sure that everyone who likes them feels the same. His voice is just so enjoyable. A voice you could listen to forever. Like Brads. I hit myself hard in the side of my head to get his voice out of my head. I didn't have the energy to go through all of our conversations right now. Even though that's all I've been doing lately. I remember most of our conversations. One that meant the most though was that time in the car where he told me about his parents. That moment was still stuck in the back of my head. And I don't think it will ever fade away.

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-Anna xx