Awake

FORTY TWO

Jake's lips were warm against mine. Intensely real, somehow. More real than anything else. The fact of him, so close to me, drove almost everything out of my mind for a second – like the white flash of an explosion: obliterating. There was the heat radiating from beneath the thin material of his t-shirt; and there was the simple fact of him in front of me – solid, close. I felt the rough stone of the statue plinth at my back, the soft pressure of air as he drew a breath against my lips – then I punched him.

In the face.

He reeled back a step, lost his balance, and then fell onto the aurichalcum floor. He clapped a hand to his nose and stared up at me with an expression of blank shock.

I clapped my own hands over my mouth and stared back.

Silence reigned for a few moments.

"What did you do that for?" I accused.

Jake glared at me, disbelievingly, as if I'd just asked the most unreasonable question imaginable. "What d'you mean!?" he exclaimed, "What did you hit me for?"

He poked at his nose gingerly, as if he was worried I'd broken it.

Heat rose up in my cheeks. "I'm sorry, I think – I just – I don't know! I didn't mean... that was just very – very surprising – you can't just lunge at people without warning –"

Jake made a sputtering noise, "Lunge? – lunge! –"

"I mean, I need more – signals or something – that was very unexpected – I just, it was like a reflex, or, or, or some Freudian thing – I don't know –"

"You are the most neurotic, unromantic person I have ever met."

I felt even more blood rush to my face, if that was even possible. Romantic? He thought the situation could potentially have been romantic? Romantic? I wanted to spontaneously combust. Immediately. "It just, it didn't feel – I think you're too old for me," I finished weakly.

"I'm twenty-six!"

"You're bald!" I burst out, wildly.

Jake gaped at me, his face blank with shock, again. Today seemed to be a day of shocks for him. "Bald?"

To be fair, he isn't bald. He just has a buzz-cut.

"Look, I just – it was just, I don't know – it was very surprising: you surprised me," I said – attempting to pace inside my narrow plinth, and failing. "You can't just surprise people like that!"

"You're unbelievable," he said. "I can't believe you,"

I considered pointing out that that was the definition of unbelievable, but stopped myself.

"It just – I just – I panicked, alright?" The heat from my cheeks was travelling to my eyes. They were burning, almost as though I was about to cry. I pressed my lips together and clenched my fists.

"It was a kiss!"

"I know! I know it was – I just – I don't –" I clenched my shaking hands even tighter, and, before I broke down crying – which, I'm sure would only make this ridiculous scene even more intolerable – I clamped my lips together, and forced myself out of the immersion and away from Jake: ripping my thoughts out of his dream, and back to reality.

It returned – or I returned to it – with a rush.

I let go of Jake's shoulder as though it was red hot and jumped away from him. The bright lights of Mila's lab were a shock after the dim shadows of the abandoned manor. Startled by my sudden movement, Zoe, Mila and Paige all stared at me.

Paige broke the silence. "What the fuck's wrong with you?"

"Hm? Oh, nothing, nothing –" I began, turning away and attempting to control my expression.

To my surprise, it was Zoe who came to my defence. "Anna-Banana's just seen some pretty disturbing shit, ladies," she declared, "So maybe everyone should step off just a little: it's not everyday you learn you're the reproductive method of choice for the robot overlords. If we were in her shoes, we'd probably be having a crisis, too."

"I wouldn't," said Paige immediately. Zoe glared her into silence.

Suddenly, I was abruptly aware that Zoe, Paige and Mila were all Partials. They weren't like me. They weren't the same. The Hierarchs didn't want them. I'd never been so aware of their difference. Of what it meant. As Wakers, at least Rao and Jake –

Jake. He still hadn't come out of the immersion, he was motionless before the Coffin. I took an involuntary step back as I realised that he'd probably wake himself up any second.

I cleared my throat and decided to make the most of the excuse Zoe had provided me with. "I'm going to my room," I said quickly. Pressing my hand to my mouth, I hurried away – to privacy. So I could think.

Even now I've written it all down, it still makes no sense. No sense at all.