Why I Have To

Chapter 29

I love you too much that I lost myself in the process.

The love I felt for you was toxic. You made me feel too much, you made me so alive that it was already too late when I realized that what's keeping me alive is also killing me. It started out as a little spark that turned into wildfire that slowly burned me alive. I didn't notice what it's doing to me at first, but looking back, I realized how much a love that strong broke me down as a person.

I let my whole being be defined by my love for you.

I'm no good for you, Jade. And the love I have for you is not doing me any good either. I let it consume me. It could have been beautiful but I let it turn into a tragedy. I was weak, unlike you.

I saw how much you grew— how strong you became. And with that, I saw the striking contrast of how much I became the opposite of you— scared and insecure. I was left behind, taking a hundred steps back when you continued taking a thousand steps forward.

You became the better half of me, when you should've been my other half.

Would I let you give up your dreams for someone who's only less half of a person? Does that sound fair? Does that make me worth it? No.

Are my actions justifiable? Of course not. I can't even forgive myself for doing that. I can't even forgive myself for letting it reach to that— I could've prevented it, I could've been better. But I didn't, because I'm not as strong as you. I craved to be weak when you were struggling to be strong.

You might think that you could've helped me become better and that you could help me through this, but I don't think that's right. I can't let you do that for me or to help me with that, I have to do this on my own. I have to fix myself, and I have to do that on my own to be worthy of you.

I know how much you love me, Jade. I know that you really do, without a doubt, and that's what scares me. It scares me that you will turn into someone like me. That you would give up your dreams just to be with me. I don't think I could ever forgive myself if I ever let that happen. I don't want you looking back years from now with regret. I want you to be everything you want to be and everything you deserve to be, and you can't do that if I continue to cling on you.

From the first time I met you, I saw how determined you are. You've proven to me countless of times how strong-willed and brave you are. I saw the great lengths you would take just to be with me— and it's scary. It's scary how much you're willing to give up everything for me. It's scary how much willing I am to do the same thing for you.

We can't just live with the love we have for eachother, that's selfish, we need other people— our family to complete us. And that's what happened to us, we've forgotten about everyone else because we became too focused on each other.

As much as we love each other, we can't fool ourselves— you can't fool yourself into thinking that this kind of love is all we need. I know how much you love your family, and I'm keeping you away from them as much as I'm keeping myself away from mine.

I can't let you choose me even if I know you love me. You might think that choosing me over your family sets you free, but you're mistaken. You've always wanted to be free, Jade. You wanted to be free with me, but you didn't realize that I was the one holding you back.

I will always hold you back.

I don't want to hold you back anymore.

I'm setting you free because I want you to change the world, the same way you changed mine. You made mine a thousand times better. You gave my life purpose and that is something that no one could take away from us

Letting you go is the least I can do for you. You've given up too much for me, and now it's my turn to give up something— I'm giving you up, for you. I've learned that to truly love someone is to pursue what's best for them, and I have learned that I am not the best for you. It is difficult to let you go, Jade, but if it's not good for either of us, then I must let go and love you from afar.

You have so much love to give, Jade— and here I am squandering it all, not knowing what to do with it. A heart like yours should be out there, and not here with me who would only consume it until you have no more to give.

So please, don't ever blame yourself for what happened to us. We became too much that it's not even right anymore. Love brought us together but it's the same thing that tear us apart. This love would destroy us both.

I have to let you go, because I know you wouldn't.

By the time you read this, I'm hoping that you've finally reached your dreams— a rich girl philanthropist extraordinaire, just like how you always wanted. I'm hoping that you've become everything you ever hoped for.

You might have forgotten all about me. You might have found somebody new to love. Heck, you might even be married. And even though this will hurt me— it's okay. I will be happy as long as I know that you are. Seeing you happy is what makes me happy.

But if you're not, always remember that I'll always be here waiting. I'll fix myself and I hope that by the time you come back, I can love you better— that I can love you the right way. A love that is bigger, better, and more generous.

I'll wait for you, Jade, whatever it takes.

And if you do come back, I'll make sure not to let you go this time.

This might not be the happy ending that we pictured together, but this could be the happy beginning that we didn't see coming.

I love you, Jade. I love you this much that's why I had to.

I love you,

I love you,

I love you,

I love you a thousand times over.

I love you and that is why I have to let you go.

Love,
Althea

Author's Note: I wrote this chapter a few weeks back but it somehow got deleted from my phone. I'm not sure, but I think that version is better though. I'm sorry. :D

Merry Christmas, guys! I'm sorry if I broke your hearts. I'll make up to it, probably after Christmas though. :)