Why I Have To

Chapter 28

The tears that she's trying to hold back are now freely escaping down her face. I wanted to hug her. I wanted to take back all the vile things that I said. But I can't.

Stop being a coward, Althea. This is the bravest thing you can do for her and for yourself, I said to myself.

"What are you trying to say?" she asked in between sobs.

I restrained myself from running towards her. I have to be strong. This time, I'm the one who needs to be strong for us.

With a heavy heart, I said the words that I've been meaning to say but can't because I really don't want to. Not now, and not in a million life times. "Ayoko na."

"Are you breaking up with me?" she said in shock.

Don't cry, Althea.

Don't cry.

You have to make this easier for her.

I said to myself.

"I guess I am."

My heart was crushed upon uttering those words. I can only imagine what it's doing to her.

I tried to avoid looking at her because I'm so damn sure that I will break down if I do. I have to do this as cold and detached as I could.

"After all the things I sacrificed, and all the things I've been through, you're doing this to me? Nawala pamilya ko sakin dahil pinili kita tapos iiwan mo lang ako?"

The blame game. Good. Blame me all you want, Jade. I can take it. I deserve it. I deserve all hate from you.

I have to push her. I have to make her hate me, I cursed myself silently as I said another load of lies, "ayoko na ng ganitong klase ng relasyon. Nakakasawa at nakakapagod. Lagi nalang may problema. So can you blame me kung ayoko na?"

She went up to me and held my hand, I should have brushed it off but I can't. I need her close to me so that I could do this. I have to feel her warm touch so that I could be reminded that she doesn't deserve me— that she deserves something better, someone better.

"Althea... Please don't do this... We can still make this work. I can lessen my hours in the office, I'll even quit my job if that's what it takes. But please, don't leave me," she pleaded.

Her selflessness is eating me, I don't think my conscience could take what I'm about to do, but her selflessness is the exact reason why I have to do this.

I'm pushing her to be mad at me and she's pushing me to finally let her go. Kill me with kindness, Jade. You're making this easier for me.

"I'm sorry, but I don't want to make this work. I can't do this anymore."

She finally broke down— and I can't take it. I let go of her hands and stood back a little farther from her because I might take back everything I said if I didn't.

"Is there... Is there someone else?" she asked, and I can see the fear in her eyes as she waits for my answer.

"Is that even important?"

"For fuck's sake, Althea! You have to give me a more valid reason for doing this! You can't just break up with me with a pathetic reason that you're just tired of this! So tell me, is there someone else?"

"Who cares if there is?! I give up! I don't want this anymore! I'm giving up on us! I'm giving up on you! There, is that enough?" I said as convincingly as I could.

"Ganun nalang yun? Pagkatapos ng lahat bigla kang susuko?" she paused and held my face, forcing me to look at her. So I did. I have to look her in the eye to make her believe my lies.