As It Is

Choices

During the night you kept waking, the creak of wood or the stomp of a foot outside would jostle you from a faint dream. You slowly moved closer to him each time you woke, relishing in the warmth that he provided against the cold draft in the room. It was still dark out, the window across the room providing you the barest of glimpses. It was a softening darkness, though, the approach of dawn almost soothing what fears you held.

You stared at Shay's face, memorizing the curves and bends of his profile. Shay shifted in his sleep, chest rising from a sharp breath. You curled against him and pressed your cheek into the rough fabric of his jacket. You took down a deep breath, sweat and gunpowder clung to his skin. There was an underlying scent, like fresh ice and snow.

He repositioned his head on the pillow, eyes still slipped closed. "Almost morning, love?" His arm curled up around your back, fingertips sliding upwards across your arm. "We've a bit more time together before I leave..."

Your body went rigid, breath held tightly in your lungs, as Shay slipped his hand beneath the thin cloth of your shirt. You curled your fingers into a fist, nails daggering into the softness of your palm. You still your expression, hardening into neutrality.

"If you're up for it." Shay rolled onto his side, his other arm gathering you against his warmth. He dipped his head down, eyes slipping open just enough to see your face. Shay sat up sharply, half-falling out of bed as he scurried up onto his feet. "Lass." He swallowed hard and raked his hair back out of his face. "I didn't mean to... I didn't realize..." He tugged at his clothes, locking his eyes on his attire and then towards the belts he'd laid out last night. He put his back to you, ashamed and trembling. "I think it's best if I head up and help Liam at the wheel. You, uh, get some rest, aye?"

You watched every skittish movement that he made before pushing yourself into a sitting position. "I did something?"

He threw you a quick look. "What?" He starred, wordless and undetermined. Shay slowly walked back towards the bed and sat down. "No, lass. It was I that did something."

You glowered, still trying to observe his expression, to gauge what he was feeling.

"It's not right of me to have..." He took down a deep breath and released it in a heavy sigh. "I thought you were... someone else and I..."

You laid back down on your side, head pressed against your curled arm.

"Listen when I tell you that you're not expected to do that sort of thing." Shay leaned closer, trying to encourage you to peer up at him. "It's not right, what that bastard did to you. And the other girls. That's not what you're for."

You glanced at him, his brows pinched together and his eyes narrowed. You knew he was desperate for an answer and for you to accept his words. "I understand."

Shay laid back down onto his side, giving you plenty of space between your two bodies. His voice softened, the sound of a soothing lullaby, "Can you tell me your name now, lass? Now that you're talking."

"No." Your voice felt methodical and lifeless compared to his. Your vision lowered to the buttons and fastenings of his attire, focusing on those instead of Shay's concerned gaze. "I don't know it."

He was quiet for a moment, his fingertips running over the fabric of the bed, smoothing out wrinkles and creases. "What about family? Anyone out there that might be looking for you?"

You clenched your teeth. You suddenly regretted ever having spoken. You regretted Shay's probing questions. You wanted to remember and yet you desperately wanted to forget. You were afraid that if you tried to remember who you were then you would also remember all of the terrible things that were done to you, things better off forgotten.