Eye Drops (#2)

s n e e z e

"When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye." – Cathy Guisewite

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"This is Wes–

"–Terden Optometrist, how may I help you?"

"I do not sound like that."

"Yeah, you do. You sound so girly! Even more girly than me, and that's saying something."

"I'm not sure what you define by girly, and not that there's anything wrong with a dude being girly, but nothing about myself is girly."

"So, you're not girly. Does that mean you're on the other end of the gender spectrum?"

"Um, yeah? Whoo, lifting weights. Sweat. Gym class. Manly as can be. Conforming to the societal construct of masculinity. That's me."

"Okaaaaay, that answers my question. What are you, then? An alien? A beluga whale? Give me something to work with!"

"Are we really talking about gender roles and beluga whales? Is this really happening right now?"

"I enjoy imagining you as a beluga whale, Peanut. Get over it."

"My name isn't Peanut, it's Tristan!"

"Well, now it's Peanut."

"You know that I can tell my dad to accidentally spill some hydrochloric acid onto your eyes, right?"

"All the way from Italy?"

"I have my ways."

"You wouldn't dare."

"Why wouldn't I dare?"

"Why would you even have hydrochloric acid in your optometrist room?"

"You'd be surprised about what we store here."

"Okay, I'm frightened."

"You should be."

"Anyway, the cloudiness of my vision is getting worse by the day. I even slammed into a tree yesterday, and now I have a huge freaking knot on my forehead!"

"Yes, and?"

"I have a reputation, you know. I can't walk around with a knot on my head! Everyone will laugh, and even if I try and cover it up with concealer, the bump will show."

"I can't believe you're this shallow."

"Like I said, I have a reputation! Ugh, why am I even telling you this?"

"What's your point?"

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but I need your help."

"What's the magic word?"

"Peanuts taste nice?"

"Guess again!"

"Peanut is a butthole? Peanut has a butthole?"

"Firstly, what the hell? Secondly, no."

"Can you just help me?"

"It's been fun teasing you. But all good things must come to an end, as I've gotten my fill of teasing hilariously egotistic girls for today. Ciao!"

"What? Don't you dare hang up on–"