I am constantly trying to fit in, appease, make you laugh, or form a friendship with people. I'm a people person, it comes with the ENFP territory.
So do you know how absolutely horrible it is when I'm constantly getting corrected, judged, or criticized for my social behavior?
I am CONSTANTLY thinking about how to make a social situation go as smoothly as possible and somehow I always manage to get in trouble.
If I'm too cold to someone, I get criticized. If I'm too touchy-feely, or openly emotional, or initiate too much physical contact, I get talked to.
WHERE THE HECK IS THE MIDDLE GROUND?! 'CUZ I CAN'T FIND IT!!!
Times like these where I just think, "what's the point of even trying? I'm going to do it wrong anyway. Why bother making friends, encouraging people, being nice, making people feel good about themselves? I'll just pay for it later."
And it's times like these where I genuinely question the point of humanity. I know that's extremely melodramatic but it's the sensation I feel when this happens to me.
Because do I get labeled as a flirt, or as a cold prude?
Example:
I wasn't huggy type growing up because I wasn't comfortable with the situations people would feel inclined to hug me. Don't hug me when I'm mad. Don't hug me when I'm crying unless I initiate. Don't hug me when you're creepy... And you know you are.
However, there's this girl I knew who as I got to know her, I realized she had been starved from love almost her whole life. The way her brain processes love is through physical contact. (It's one of the Love Languages, look it up.) So I naturally had been trying to get her to realize that she had people who cared about her. So what do I do? I start hugging her more, I touch her arm while we talk to emphasize points (which is a very Hispanic thing to do and I'm Cuban so ta da), and I pose for pictures with my arm around her.
All of a sudden, people are like "Jeez what makes her so special? You're never the hugging person. What's wrong with you? Why are you being so affectionate?"
IDIOT, I AM TRYING TO CURE A BROKEN SOUL SO CAN YOU KINDLY SHUT UP BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE THOUGHT PROCESS BEHIND MY ACTIONS.
....Ok. I think I'm done ranting. Goodnight.
