Finding Herself

She awoke to the sound of unsettling silence. She leaned up in her bed rubbing her crusty eyes and glanced to her right at the alarm clock. 2 am. She didn't have the slightest reason as too why, but she had the sudden eagerness to leave her house at that very moment.Kicking off her covers she carefully felt through the pitch black darkness of her room too her closet, her feet making soft scuffling sounds as she went about. Then, yanking a large grey oversized sweater from the hanger, slipping on a pair of denim shorts, and stepping into a pair of worn black converse she started towards her window.

She cranked the rusty latch until she found the opening appropriate for her too fit though, raised her foot up to the sill while grabbing the window edges as leverage, lifted herself out of the hot musty room, and into the thick wet air of the night. She perched herself on the edge of the sill and then pushed herself off, landing with a soft thud on the rich damp earth.She didn't know where she wanted to go, so she just walked.

The only sound the brushing of her shoes as she pondered along. She walked for what she thought was hours and found herself in the middle of a large grassy field. Not a mountain or so much of a hill in sight. Her feet were tired and her surroundings seemed safe and peaceful enough, so she kneeled down and planted herself in the wet itchy grass. Pulling her sweater over her knees, and crouching low too protect her ears and neck from the icy air, she gazed at the breathtaking view that lingered above her.

The sky above was a deep purple canvas for blazing stars of all shapes and sizes. Brightening up the atmosphere with their own luminescent glow. Various brilliant hues of purples and blues all blending together effortlessly. Different structures shaping themselves, brightening space with their own unique shape and design. What seemed as thousands upon thousands of glimmering alight stars, dancing there way gracefully across the heavens. Not a cloud in site that could tamper with the delicate velvet sheet the stratosphere laid out before her. It was the most magnificent, sublime, radiant, conclusively marvelous thing she had ever contemplated. It was unimaginable, this astounding piece of artwork before her, stealing her words with every breathe that escaped her lungs. She was completely baffled in amazement. Then, without any admonitory or averseness, the girl began to overwhelmingly weep.

Tears spilled from her eyes and cascaded down her face onto her lap. And she couldn't find the conviction or need to stop them from doing so. They were tears of ecstasy, and anguish. She didn't know how or why she was abruptly exhibiting all her emotions at once, but she didn't bother to take the time and accumulate herself, she simply just let it happen. And in the process of doing so she felt so extravagant, so content. It felt as if the weight of the universe had been lifted off her chest, everything she had perceived and reserved for so long completely departed from her body with the tears escaping from her ducts. She tasted the bitterness of salt as they descended down her burning red cheeks and onto her thirsty dry lips. She raised her head at the sky again and gasped for air. The breathtaking sky above didn't abort to astonish her yet. Her breath continually hitched in her throat, making her cringe and face tighten as the slight breeze froze her tear stained cheeks. The naturally easy task of breathing becoming more and more difficult as her affection and compassion drained from her body. Never had she felt such a particularly incomprehensible feeling.

But she didn't abide from it, she endorsed it. She didn't quite know how she felt, but it was something familiar, something almost forgotten. After a few moments she lied back down onto the icy grass and allowed herself to undertake and comprehend what this emotion was. She became lost in thought and agitation as she searched for the word to describe it, if there even was one. Could it be the feeling she had desperately tried to regain so long ago? The feeling that she had longed and searched for, but never came? The feeling she gave up on trying to feel?

No, of course not. She could never feel that again. She proved that too herself long ago. Went through what seemed like hell to finally convince herself that she couldn't, and never again would. But as she gazed upon that mesmerizing starry sky once again, she was brought to the conclusion that maybe she could. A whole new world had now opened up in her eyes, and she thought and saw things completely different than what she first perceived them too be. Everything in the world now had a new meaning to her, and she had a new purpose.

She knew she wasn't to give up just yet. She wasn't weak, just confused, and lost. Why would fate put her through so much just to lead her down a road that would take her nowhere? Was this a test? Was she being tested as too how far she could be pushed and provoked until she finally crumbled? Was this fate mocking her? She then was brought the feeling of confidence, and strength. She looked at these past few years and replayed in her mind all of what she had endured. All this time she thought she was just living to survive, alive but not living, a complete waste of air space and time. But for the first time in what seemed like decades, she thought of herself as something more. Something better, exceptionally greater even. Not something, someone, with a purpose. She was here for a reason. To live? Unquestionable. But what to live for? The secret was still yet to be discovered.

The girl slipped a feeble smile, skin pinching from the tears on her shiny inflamed cheeks. Her breathing slow and durable now, she felt poised, and she wasn't even trying. It was coming impulsively easy to her. She blinked out another tear, making her quiver as it glided down the side of her face, in the gaps and canyons of her ear, and down her neck. Her throat ached and dried from the grief and lament. She withered to where she was sure she could cry no more. She allowed herself to take a few more deep breathes, and opened her eyes too that stunningly beautiful sky. She could now anticipate what this feeling was. This feeling, that kept her up countless nights waiting for to come back, that she resentfully gave up on, that she longingly searched for in her dark world of questioning and confusion, that she thought would never cross her mind or existence again. This feeling was happiness.

She was happy.

HiiiiiiSo I used to write a lot when I was younger, and dreamed I was going to be a writer, and was actually decent at it. Who knows, maybe I will be idk what I wanna do quite yet.. ANYWHORE for some reason I stopped, and it was one of the worst decisions of my life.I use writing to describe the way I feel and see things in the best detail I can. Venting in a way I guess, so here's my first piece in years!!I hope ya'll like it!! Feedback is always welcome and appreciated!! MUCH LOVE KIDDIES!! <3 *mwah*