The Senior Project

Chapter Twenty Four | Guilty Heart

"I-I'll be waiting outside," Soraya whispered softly as she silently made her retreat.

Her light footsteps faded away, leaving James and I in a silence that was so unlike us. We were mere meters apart yet it felt like a chasm had dawned between us, making the other too far out of reach.

"James," I began, pacing forward. I tried not to flinch when he stepped back, effectively trapping himself between me and his locker. His whole figured tensed up like an animal ready to flee as his eyes regarded me icily. "Listen, I'm sorry for what I did-"

"Stop. Stop it right there Celia," he nearly snarled.

My throat closed up, choking me up. I could feel the beginnings of tears but I blinked them back, I wasn't the one who should be crying. Unfortunately, James noticed.

Instead of the kind reaction I was used to (and half expecting), James stared at me with incredulity. His brown eyes which once held so much warmth seemed darker with the closed off vibe that surrounded him. "You're crying."

There was absolutely no emotion in his tone. It was a statement. Not at all a caring inquiry, just a simple fact being stated.

"I-"

"Save it Celia. I don't want to hear it. Actually, I don't need to hear it. I know exactly why you recorded that and showed it. Your mother." He contemplated his next words and as his eyes hardened, I braced myself. "Dammit Celia! Why won't you see? Why can't you see that your mother has destroyed your whole life? Just how far will you go to please her?"

After all this shit I put him through, he still made it about me and not himself. I would've laughed had this not been such a serious situation.

"James," I pleaded, my stuffy voice barely going above a whisper. "I grabbed the wrong USB. That version was to satisfy my mother. Now–"

He let out a derisive, nearly cynical bark of unamused laughter. "No Celia. You and I both know that this is about how you recorded my words. The fact that you actually recorded something I told you because we were friends, not for the project –I can't quite forgive that. Leave me alone okay? You've caused enough pain to last me a lifetime."

The last words hit me hard. But in his defence, I deserved it. I also knew he was holding back. There was so much James could have added to that sentence, so many possibilities that would sharpen the edge of that blade. He could have used everything I told him against me. He could have shouted it out to the class as an add-on to his video in class. Yet, true to his nature, he chose to say nothing.

The guilt within me increased tenfold as I ducked me head, hiding the tears. An apology was out of the question. He wasn't listening. So I nodded respectfully, making sure to keep my distance from him. Then, I turned tail and walked away without a backwards glance, defeated. The second I rounded the corner, I made a run to Soraya who was waiting outside.

She had nothing to say either, simply looking at my devastated face told the whole story to her. As we walked by her house, she nodded my way, offered a weak smile, and left me and my thoughts to complete the journey home.

Once I did arrive home, I let myself in and raced to my room. I pounded up the steps, glad for once, that my both parents worked full time. My door flew open and I dumped my bag onto the ground before falling onto my bed in utter exhaustion.

I had so much work to do really, exams were coming up in under a week but for the moment, I couldn't bring myself to do anything. So, I closed my eyes at angled my head towards the ceiling. Without even looking around, I could picture the inspiring words stuck on the walls around me, stickers I placed everywhere when I entered high school, determined to have the best years of my life.