Why I Have To

Chapter 13

I smiled awkwardly and was relieved when Jade interrupted us by handing over a glass of iced tea.

Jade sat at the far end of the couch which was quickly noticed by Paul. Jade would normally squish herself between us so her sitting on the other end must be really odd for him.

"So Paul, dito ka na mag stay?" I asked to cut the awkward silence.

"No, Althea. Actually hinatid ko lang itong si Jade, kanina pa kami magkasama eh. She told me to drop her off para naman daw magkita tayo."

"Mabuti naman pumunta ka. Ang tagal na rin natin hindi nagkikita eh. Saan ka na nga pala nakatira?" I asked.

"Hindi ko pwede sabihin eh. Sa totoo lang saglit lang ako dito, aalis na rin ako. Mahirap na at baka malaman pa ni Dada." At the mention of their father's name, Jade scooted closer to Paul and hugged him on the side like a little girl.

I saw how much she missed her brother. And for the first time in weeks, I saw happiness in her eyes.

I wouldn't want their limited time together to be wasted because of my awkward presence so I excused myself from them and told them that I have to sleep early.

As I closed the door of our room, I heard the muffled sound of Paul and Jade's laughter. I missed hearing her laugh.

After a couple of minutes staring on the blank walls of our room, I decided to go to the kitchen in search of a snack.

I never meant to eavesdrop, but as I heard my name, I couldn't help but listen.

"Anong nangyari sa inyo ni Althea?" Paul asked in hushed tone.

"Huh? Wala naman. Baka pagod lang yun" said Jade.

"Wag na tayo maglokohan, Jade. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang tension sa inyong dalawa. Nag away ba kayo?"

"No... I don't know."

"What happened? You can trust me." Paul said sincerely as I held my breath, wondering what Jade would say.

"We kissed."

"And so? People kiss. Get over it."

"It's not that. We've kissed before but..."

"But what? Did you not like it?" I heard Paul's impatience.

"That's the thing... I liked it. And... she told me she loves me." Jade admitted.

"Do you love her?" I stood frozen in the kitchen, waiting for Jade's response, but as usual— I didn't hear any.

"Jade, magpakatotoo ka sa sarili mo. Kahit sa sarili mo man lang matuto kang aminin o tanggapin kung ano ba talaga ang nararamdaman mo," Paul paused.

"Kung ano man yan, kesyo mahal mo din siya o hindi, kailangan niyong pagusapan 'yan. Wag mo hayaang masayang ang pagkakaibigan niyo."

"Paul, paano kung katulad din kita?" I heard Jade cry.

"Anong masama dun, Shobe? Kung ako natanggap mo, bakit ang sarili mo hindi mo kayang tanggapin? May pagkakaiba ba ang pagmamahal sa kapwa mo babae o lalaki kumpara sa pagmamahal ng mga straight? Wala naman diba? Pare-parehong pagmamahal din 'yan. At kailan man ay hindi naging masama ang magmahal."

"Natatakot ako, Paul. Lalo na kay Dada" she continued to cry.

"Jade, tignan mo ko ngayon. Diba masaya ako? Malaya at malayo sa mga mapanghusgang mata ng pamilya natin. Kung nakaya kong gawin, what makes you think that you can't?"

"Hindi ako kasing tapang mo, Paul" she paused as she sobbed. "Hindi ko kayang mawala ang pamilya natin. Lalong lalo na si Ama, hindi ko kakayanin na mawala siya. At si Dada, kahit na ganyan siya ay hindi ko parin siya kayang suwayin. At paano na mga pangarap ko diba? Siguradong pati yun ay kukunin nila sa akin. Hindi ko kaya..."

"At kung sakaling mahal ko nga si Althea, kung sakali lang, sa tingin mo walang gagawin si Dada pag nalaman niya? Mas 'di ko yata kakayanin na ipahamak si Althea" she added.

I stayed there in the kitchen as I listened to them. And bit by bit I'm starting to understand her, it's as if she indirectly told me the explanation that I was waiting for.

"All I know is that I don't want to lose her." I hear her say.

"Then don't. Fix this, Jade. Your friendship, at least. For what it's worth."

"It's getting late, I have to go now." said Paul as I heard them stand up and head to the door.

I scrambled my way to the bedroom, hid under the covers, and pretended to sleep.

I heard her light foot steps enter the room. I could feel her presence getting nearer and nearer, and within seconds, I felt my bed sink as she sat at the foot of my bed.

"Althea..." she whispered as she softly nudged my legs.

"I know you're awake."

I sat down on my bed, turned the lamp shade on, and looked at her straight in the eye— waiting for her to speak up.

"I'm sorry," she inaudibly whispered.

I nodded.

And with uncertainty flashing over her eyes, she added "Can we go back to being friends?"

Friends.

Even though it hurts too much, I smiled.

And for the second time around, I let her trample over my heart.

She crawled over my side and put me in a warm embrace. I missed this, I missed her. So much.

If being friends is what it takes to not lose her, then so be it. I would let her break my heart into a million pieces just so I could keep her.

She kissed me on the cheeks and pulled away from the hug. "I missed you," she said as she stood up and went to the bathroom to change her clothes.

A few minutes later, I heard somebody knock on our door. Who could possibly be coming over at this time? I thought.

I opened the door and a girl wearing a black hoodie with long dark hair, and tanned skin was standing in the doorway.

"Hey, is Jade there? I live downstairs. I just came by to return her laptop," the girl said, not looking up, as she furiously types on her phone.

I heard Jade come out of the bathroom and walked towards us.

The girl looked up and to my surprise she said, "Oh, hey Althea. It's you" she beamed.

"Hey, Cathleen! You guys know each other?" Jade said, amazed.

This is an unexpected surprise.

With wide eyes, I turned to Jade and mouthed the words 'spaghetti girl'

***

All the things I've written in here are the reasons why I let you go.

But this is an exemption, Jade.

She was never the reason why I let you go.

Or any other girl for that matter.

There's no one else, Jade. Not now, not ever.

Love,
Althea

Author's Note: Arte ba ni Jade? Naartehan na din ako. Kailangan na niyang mauntog. Hahahaha.