A Dark Fall [ORIGINAL & UNEDITED VERSION]

Thirty

"What are you thinking Alex? Tell me." He sounds concerned now. What am I thinking? I'm thinking how on earth do I convey to him how I feel that even remotely matches what he's said to me? He tightens his grip on my hand and I squeeze his back. 

"What am I thinking?" I say as I try and think. My head is mainly just ringing loudly, echoes of 'I love you, I'm in love with you' sounding through it.   "I don't know what I'm thinking exactly," I shake my head and smile at him.  "But then I never know what I'm thinking around you because I forget who I am around you. My brain seems to stop working entirely around you, it's dangerous."  I give him a playfully accusing stare.  

He presses his body into me and from his position on the lower step looks up at me from under thick dark lashes and smirks.  "Well,  I'm usually thinking about one thing and one thing only around you so..." he leans up to nip at my bottom lip. When he pulls back is face is more serious.  "But I know exactly what you mean about forgetting who you are.  Happens to me too," he nods.  "I'm a totally different person when I'm with you.  It's like my head calms down you know?  There's not so much noise in it.  Or you make it like the noise doesn't exist." He says.   

"You have a noisy head?"  I smile.

His mouth is smiling but his eyes are sad.  "You've no fucking idea..."

"What kind of noises are they?" 

He thinks about it a moment. "The kind that keep you awake at night." 

I nod slowly but it occurs to me that he always sleeps so deeply whenever he's here.  "Always so vague," I sigh.   "Protecting me again Jake?" 

Perhaps he wants to keep you from his shit for a reason.  Trust is given and earned over time.

The heavy look in his eye hardens. "Yes. Always."

We're both silent for a long time and I try and decide whether to push him on his vagueness or let it be for tonight.

"Tell me you'll try this with me baby, please." He says breaking through my muggy thoughts. "Give me a chance to deserve you, to change for you?"  He lifts my hand and places the palm flat against his cheek.  Then he lowers it and kisses each one of my fingers softly.  My chest aches.   Change for me?  What's he talking about?

"I don't want you to change for me Jake. That's not what I want." I shake my head.  How can he think that's what I want? 

"No, but it's what I want." He mutters looking down. 

I step down so that I'm level with him. "Well I'm in love with who you are now.   I'm in love with the cocky, demanding - if overly secretive - sexual deviant standing in front of me right now. I don't want you to change for me."

His head comes up slowly, his eyes narrowing.  "What did you just say?"

"Cocky, demanding, overly secretive sexual deviant." I bite my lip to hold the smile back.

"The other bit."

I take a deep breath. "I'm in love with you." 

He looks almost confused for a moment and his eyes seem to change colour entirely.  Then he lets out a breath.  "Kept that fucking quiet."

"Really?  I thought it was pretty obvious?" I give him an innocent look.

"Alex, nothing about how you feel about me is pretty obvious, trust me." He says and pulls me into him.  When he kisses me he sucks deeply on my tongue, almost as though he wants to taste the words for himself. His hands slide around my body and under my dress and I feel his fingers run up the inside of my thigh.  I know when he feels it because he pulls back, a hot look coming over his eyes. His fingers trace over the dampness on my thigh, wiping it clean. I look down between us, colour flooding to my cheeks.