Project LOKI ①

Chapter 08: One Murder, Two Glasses, Three Suspects

Dahil sa breaking news na hatid ni Tita, hindi na ako nakakain ng breakfast. Nawalan ako ng gana. Apektado na rin ang araw ko. Pumasok na ako sa bathroom para maligo at makapagpalit ng damit. Sa sobrang pagka-preoccupied ko, mali ang pares ng socks na naisuot ko. Kainis. Matapos kong ayusin ang itsura ko, umalis na ako ng apartment.

Buong umaga, hindi natanggal sa isip ko ang balita na darating si Papa mamaya. Hindi ako nakapag-concentrate. Sinubukan kong mag-focus sa discussions namin sa klase, pero mayamaya'y sumasagi ang thought na makikita ko siyang nakaupo sa couch, naka-dekwatro ang mga binti at umiinom ng favorite niyang chamomile tea.

Hindi maganda ito. Kailangan kong i-distract ang aking sarili. Hindi effective ang academics bilang distraction. Baka extra-curricular activities ang makatulong sa akin.

"You look troubled," komento ni Loki habang binabasa ang latest issue ng Clark Clarion, ang official student publication ng Clark High. Ibinaba niya ang newspaper para makapagbato ng tingin sa akin. "Something's bothering you."

Huminto muna ako sa pagsagot ng assignment. Nagtagpo ang tingin namin. "Paano mo nasabi? Halata ba sa mukha ko?"

"Since you came in here, you've sighed six times already." Itinupi niya ang hawak na newspaper. "You've never done that in your previous visits. I can tell that you're trying to fight off whatever's troubling you, but it still persists on your mind."

Now, for the seventh time, I let out a long sigh. "This is none of your business, and you may not care at all, but my dad's coming to the apartment to visit me."

"Now that explains why the landlady is cleaning even before the crowing of the roosters." Muli niyang binuksan ang newspaper at inilipat ang page nito. "To most people, parents visiting their children is good news. But based on your repeated sighs and your lack of enthusiasm on his arrival, it doesn't seem that way for you. You have issues with your father?"

Umiwas ako ng tingin kagaya ng pag-iwas kong sagutin ang tanong niya.

"Don't worry, I know the feeling of despising someone," sabi niya matapos ang ilang Segundo ng katahimikan. "Sometimes, you wish you would never cross paths with them again. Sometimes, you wish you could cut them out of your life. That's how I strongly feel about my brother."

"Just to be clear, I don't despise my dad. Despise is a strong word," pagtatama ko sa kanya. "I don't hate him either. Ayaw ko muna siyang makita sa ngayon."

"Don't let him live rent-free in your head. You must evict him." Ibinato niya sa ibabaw ang bookshelf ang newspaper bago niya ibinalik sa akin ang kanyang tingin. "The more you think about him, the more you become bothered. The solution? Stop thinking about your dad. I wager you couldn't even focus on your classes because of the news."

"Sana'y gano'n kadaling gawin 'yon. Sana'y sa isang iglap, puwede nating itigil ang pag-iisip sa isang tao o bagay. Pero hindi."

"That's the problem with you people." Heto na naman siya. Kung makapagsalita itong si Loki, parang hindi kami parehong tao. "You worry so much about the inevitable. If your dad's coming here, there's nothing you can do about it. You must accept what you cannot change and adjust accordingly."

And he was back to being the usual Loki again. Last week, after going through the painful memories, he showed me that he was capable of being genuine with his words and actions. Ang akala ko, 'yon na ang side na makikita ko araw-araw. Matapos ang weekend, muli siyang bumalik sa pagiging Loki na nakilala ko noong unang araw ko rito sa Pampanga.

"If meeting him is so troubling for you, why don't you do the opposite?" tanong niya. "Don't show up where you two are supposed to meet. Tell him that you're too busy with schoolworks. Your problem is solved."