Fighting the Stars - A Jack Harries Fanficton

Chapter 17

Life is a real asshole when it all comes down to it. It hands you a nice, steaming hot plate of bullshit and then gives you a glass of wonderful to go along with it. But the bullshit tends to be a lot like peanut butter. It sticks to the roof of your mouth, making it nearly impossible to drink any of the wonderful. That is, until you finally manage to break it down enough, to where you can breathe again.

I finally got a sip of the wonderful, only to go right back to another bite of bullshit. Life is one cruel son of a bitch.

I should have known that I couldn’t hide Jack forever. I suppose I just assumed that James would keep a blind eye to it, always focusing on business instead. That’s all he seems to care about anyways.

A week after Jack confessed to loving me, James saw the text message that appeared on my phone. It’s a shame, really. I mean, things were going well for Jack and I. We were having fun together, despite whatever feelings loomed in the background. Being with him made me…happy.

But James couldn’t have that.

He wasn’t as physically violent as I had expected. Instead, he hit me where he knew it would hurt the most. His words weren’t demeaning, or ruthless, or even negative towards me. But they were cutting.

“I don’t want you to talk to him ever again. I don’t want you to look at him, be near him, or even think about him. Do you understand?” he said, his voice sharp and cold. Flecks of spit escaped from his mouth in anger. Then another idea popped into his head. “Actually, you will talk to him again. Only once. You will tell him you are never to speak to him again. And if he questions why, you don’t answer.”

I nodded as silent tears slid down my cheeks. Just the thought of having the one thing that truly made me happy ripped from my life made me sick to my stomach. I hate James. I hate him.

Because he took my glass of wonderful and poured it down the drain.

**

Maybe I would never forgive myself for what I was about to do. Maybe Jack will never forgive me for what I’m about to do. And maybe what I’m about to do isn’t the right choice, but it’s the only choice. 

I mean, I could run. I could pack all my stuff into a bag and hop on a train to god-knows-where. But that would be cowardice. But isn’t what I’m about to do cowardice all the same? 

I’m just…stuck. I’m stuck in this terrible place with bullshit clogging my mouth. Maybe that’s why I’m silent. 

I don’t hate who I am. I hate what I’ve let myself become. I could have always done something more. And who knows, maybe I still can.

I could stand up for myself. I can tell James no. I can be who I want to be and love who I want to love. I, for once, can be in charge of my own life. Not James, not my father, ME.

Though it pained me, I gave in. Why is it that I always succumbed to the actions I didn’t want? And how did the enticer, hope, always seem to find my heart unguarded? There was no such thing as hope. Not for me. Why is it so hard to accept that?

“Sophie, are you alright?” asked Jack, taking notice of the glum expression on my face. I couldn’t bear to look him in the eyes. I knew that if I did, I would never complete my orders. 

I took a deep breath and said the words fast, knowing that if I didn’t say them quick, I wouldn’t say them at all. “We can’t do this anymore, Jack.”

His eyebrows furrowed. “Do what?”

I inhaled slowly. “See each other, go out together, be friends.”