Letters To....

3am Thoughts

It just kind of hits you at 3am when you can't sleep. When you remember all the good times you've had together. Every laugh, smile, giggle, everything. It all just comes back without warning and soon enough you're bursting into tears, not being able to stop them. You stare at the ceiling wondering what you did wrong. Wondering how something that meant so much to you just slip away. Wondering if that something will ever come back, but knowing that deep down it's not. That things will never be the same. That you can't have what you had in the past all because you let it go. All because you were a fucking idiot. And it hurts. It hurts so badly that you can feel it in your chest. Your heart races faster than ever before, the tears keep falling quicker and quicker with each passing moment, your whole body starts to shake and you can't stop. You can't stop the overwhelming sadness that you feel at this moment. You feel like it's never going to be better, that you're always going to be sad and lonely. And it hurts. More than anything in the entire world and you can't do a goddamn thing about it.

Think back to the person you let go. Think about everything that happened between you two. Remember all the good and bad times. You won't ever be able to do any of that with that person ever again. You can't message them, you can't call them, you can't even see them on the streets cause they're gone. Fucking gone.

When you lay in your bed, at 3am thinking about this person, just staring at the ceiling and asking yourself so many questions; make sure you ask yourself why. Why did you let them go? Why didn't you hold on stronger? Why didn't you fight? I can't answer these questions honestly because I don't know. I don't know why I let my favorite person in the entire world go. Maybe because I am a fuck up and give up when things get tough. So I'm sorry.

Honestly, the person I'm talking about is never going to see this but I loved her with everything I had in me, I still do. She was so insecure and lost and I tried to help. But I couldn't. I was just as bad as she was, if not worse. We both were beyond repair, but we still tried to fix one another no matter how hard it got. We fought until it hurt too much that we drifted apart. We loved each other but it was forbidden by her family. They didn't believe that gay people were just people looking for love like them, and it wasn't fair.

No I do not talk to her to anyone because it hurts too much for me. The only reason I'm typing this all out is because I need to get it out. Not just to myself though. I need to let others know because I can't keep it a secret anymore. She doesn't want the world to know, but I hate keeping the people I love a secret. She's not just a girl. She's not just the girl with the brown hair. She's a goddess who I'll adore for the rest of time no matter where she is. Whether it be her on this cruel planet or up on heaven.