A Dark Fall [ORIGINAL & UNEDITED VERSION]

Twenty Eight

***

Sunday I spend mainly in a trance, interspersed with fake normalcy because people just don't stop calling me. Firstly, Nick calls to find out what I really thought of Isabelle and I tell him I loved her and that they're the perfect couple so he better get ready for mum to have a fit. Then Leigh calls to tell me about her man problems, or new lack there of, because her boss has apparently finally left his wife and they were now looking for somewhere to live together because her studio in Camden isn't big enough for them both.  I resist the urge to say that he probably would need quite a bit of space to fit in his skip full of right-wing ignorance but I don't because its mean, and because its just my mood talking.

Finally Tash calls from California. I'd put her off Skype because I look awful and I wouldn't have been able to do any fakery over video.  Just hearing her voice lifts some of the weight of the oppressive despair hanging over me.    She's chirpier than ever and I swear I can hear an American twang creeping into her voice as she says certain words and babbles at me for close to an hour.  After telling me about her house hunt in Malibu we have a quick chat about France before she asks what my exciting news is.  News which was supposed to be Jake.  I brush her off saying it's about the possible partnership spot at work which she buys completely.  When she asks when I'm moving over I ask her if I can come tomorrow and she replies by saying she'll get my room ready.   At that moment more than ever I wish I could go.  Go and just forget about everything I have to make a decision about.  I need you Alex... You have no idea how much I need you... Please don't leave me.  I feel sick again and I wipe at the tears which well up in my eyes.

By some miracle of god mum doesn't call.  She always calls on Sunday night's but buried way down in the well of my head is the memory that her and dad are at a play tonight.  A Sam Shepherd play I think.  At least I think it's tonight.   I should listen to her more when she talks.      By nine pm I'm in bed with the worst headache I've had in a long time. Im not surprised since my brain is so overloaded it's a wonder it's managed to keep working at all.  I'm sure the headache is just my mind finally grinding to a halt, like some great mechanical beast of a machine which has seen better days. He hasn't contacted me or I him. One day apart isn't enough space or time anyway and so it's probably good that he hasn't been in touch.

***

The following week goes by in a blur with me practically sleep walking through each day.  I see my patients in a detached robotic fashion, nodding and smiling and reassuring in alternating patterns and by Wednesday I've managed to perfect a smile so fake that it hurts my face and makes my temples and jaw hurt but manages to convince everyone at work that there's nothing to see here and that they should move along.   By Thursday he still hasn't contacted me, or me him.   But then four days isn't really enough space or time either.

My fake normalcy lasts until Thursday evening when I sit down next to dad at the dining table in my parents kitchen.  He knows immediately that somethings wrong, and though he stares at me through slightly narrowed concerned eyes throughout dinner, he doesn't ask me outright what's wrong. I give him a reassuring smile and he returns it.  He's extra comforting and supportive and steers the conversation from being focused on me which is normally the case when I come over to telling us stories about Bob from down the road's new classic sports car and to talking about Nick & Tash and France.  

When mum does ask about Jake, I tell her simply that it was all moving a bit too fast and that we're trying to slow things down a little, which she believes completely.  Though she follows up my explanation with one of her sad looks and lingers on my face a little too long. When we finally settle on some dates for going to France it feels for the first time feels like a welcome and necessary thing that cant come quick enough.  In Five weeks I'd be relaxing under the shade on the south of France.