Only Fools...

'I'm a horrible, horrible person' - Chapter Twenty Seven

Rachel raised her eyebrows at me questioningly. 'Can I celebrate now?'

'You can celebrate now.'

'Eeek! Oh my gosh Jess, oh my gosh. You and Danny? This is so crazy, but a good crazy you know? You're like best friends and now you're like,' she stopped for a second unsure, 'boyfriend and girlfriend? Did you discuss that?'

'I don't know, we didn't really get to it. We just sort of spoke and then I kissed him and then we were interrupted by your own other half.'

'Jack?'

'Little bit.'

'Sorry.' She apologised for her boyfriend's impatience. 'So, where does that leave you then? Where do you go from here?'

'I have literally no idea,' I spoke honestly. 'But we've both said that we're falling in love with each other so I'm guessing it's positive.'

'It's definitely positive Jess, are you kidding? This is amazing!' Rachel gushed.

I bit my lip, something still niggling at the back of my mind.

'What's wrong? What are you thinking about?'

'It's just,' I sighed. 'Amy.'

'Oh crap yeah, I'd completely forgotten about her and Danny going out. But that's old history right? She doesn't still like him? And she's your best friend, surely she'll understand that you both really like each other. She'll want the best for you Jess, don't worry.'

'It's more complicated than that though.' I admitted.

'What do you mean? How so?'

'I don't really know if I can say. I've never told anyone before.' My heart was quickening - was I really ready to tell Rachel? What if she judged me? What if she didn't want to be friends anymore? Or ever talk to me again? She'd be within her rights to; I've hated myself for it, it seems right that other people should hate me too.

'Jess, what on Earth are you talking about?' She persisted, her face confused. 'How is this anymore complicated?'

'Okay,' here goes. 'Do you remember me telling you anything about Amy and Danny's relationship?'

'Bits and bobs,' Rachel said.

'Well basically after they started going out they fell in love super, super quickly. I didn't know Danny all that well at the time but as he and Amy began going out I got to know him better. Only in group situations really at first. I think one of his friends used to fancy me so Danny would always be making excuses for all of us to hang out in a group settings, for the sake of his friend.

'And it was really good for a while. I didn't really like Danny's friend that much in a romantic way but I found them very fun to hang out with and obviously it was nice seeing Amy happy. This was her first proper grown up relationship you know? He was the guy she lost her virginity to. I think he might have lost his to her as well,' I speculated. 'Anyway, the point being that this was a fully serious and important relationship for both of them.'

'Okay,' Rachel nodded slowly. 'But Jess, that was months ago. And doesn't Amy have a new boyfriend? She's happy, you should be too!'

'Let me finish,' I said, my heart racing as I wondered what Rachel would think of me once had. 'Amy and Danny had been going out for just over a year when my mum was diagnosed. And it was really hard for me for a while. I don't have any siblings and I guess I had to grow up a lot quicker than most other teenagers. Mum got worse pretty quickly and my Dad was quite preoccupied with looking after her - taking her to hospital appointments, making her meals and the like - all whilst still working a nine to five job so he could support us financially.