Team Fortress 2 - The Mercs Get REAL Jobs

Engineer - Babysitter

Engineer frowned down at the gaggle of three- and four-year-olds that he was in charge of watching, trying to figure out how he was going to do this properly.

“Now listen here, pardners,” he said, pointing his gloved finger down at them. “I’m here to baby-sit all of ya’ll, so don’t make this hard on me and it’ll go better for you. Deal?”

The children just ignored him and continued to run about, squealing and shrieking.

Engineer frowned again, then said “Well, shoot. I guess I gotta get to work.”

He pulled out a piece of paper left to him by the owner of the daycare that had entrusted the children to him and stared at it, reading silently, then tucked it away. “Alright,” he said. “It’s snack time.”

He proceeded to set up a dispenser in the middle of the room.

“Alright buckaroos, let’s have lunch,” he said, pointing at the dispenser. “Just line up and let the machine do it’s thing.”

The group of six immediately swarmed the box, getting their snacks from it.

“I got a sandwich,” a little boy said, peering at the olive on a toothpick stuck in the center of it.

“I got a steak,” a girl said, poking it with her finger.

“I got soda…and some bullets,” another boy said, shaking a can of Bonk in one hand while peering at a bullet held tightly in his other.

“I got…cake!” the other girl shouted.

With a loud chorus of “YAAAAAAAAY!”, the children fell on the poor dessert like animals.

Engineer watched them as they ate, smiling widely, then turned to consult his list again and read the sentence the manager had put at the bottom.

Do not give them anything with sugar in it.

His smile slowly turned down into a look of horror, then he jerked his head up in time to see the children racing off with excitement in their eyes, darting here and there, crashing into things and screaming at the top of their lungs, pretending to shoot dart guns or dragging the dirty diaper trash-bin past.

One of the boys was throwing full diapers around while a girl drew on the walls with a tube of diaper cream she had found, and the other three boys jumped on Engineer. “AHHHH! Get off!” he cried, but it was too late. They grabbed his Construction PDA and ran off with it.

“Hey! Ya’ll better give that back now, ya hear?!” he shouted, chasing after them as the other three continued destroying the house. By the time he had caught up, they had already set up teleporters and were zooming around the house.

“Doggone it!” Engineer shouted, holding onto his hardhat out of frustration. “How am I gonna get these youngsters to settle down?!” He thought about it for a long moment, letting his gaze rove over the TV, the pile of coloring books and crayons, and the bucket of action figures and dolls sitting in the living room.

“I’ve got it!” he said, running past all three to grab his Construction PDA, which had just been tossed onto a full diaper that had fallen out of the bin.

He ran outside and began drawing up blueprints, setting to building moments later.

When he was finished, there was a tall playhouse sitting there, shaped like a large rocket.

He went back inside the house and called the children, showing them outside to his work. They immediately squealed and ran out to get inside and play around on it.

Once the last kid had clambered inside, Engineer stepped back a bit and lifted a remote control pad. It only had one button on it, and he pressed it with a smile. “I’ll be seein’ ya’ll,” he said, waving.

The rocket door locked and the entire thing began to shake. Fire lit up underneath it, then the rocket slowly blasted off, lifting higher and higher into the sky until it was heading for the moon.

Engineer turned and headed back inside to read the newspaper. Everything was peace and quiet for a while.

Then the rocket crashed through the ceiling and the kids popped out of the broken hatch, as hyper as ever. “Pillow fight!” one of the screamed as they jumped all over Engineer. They all grabbed pillows and started pelting him with them, until he finally broke free and grabbed his Construction PDA.

“Ya’ll wanna fight? I’ll give ya a fight!” he shouted, then quickly built a sentry gun and filled it with pillows. “Fire!” he shouted as the children ran forward to attack him. The gun immediately pelted them with powerful pillows, whacking them in the face and sending them flying.

By the time the fight was over, all of the children had been knocked down by the high-power pillow missiles.

“That there was a fine piece o’ work,” Engineer said proudly, rubbing his nose once before hearing the sound of a door opening.

The manager had returned, and imagine her shock when she saw six dazed children laying about the room. She and Engineer stared at each other for a long moment, their mouths agape, but before she could do anything, the sentry hit her in the face with a power-pillow.

Taking advantage of her unconsciousness, Engineer booked it back to Mann Co, knowing his time as a babysitter was over and done.