I Am Not

Day One

I sighed as I walked through the door of the counselors office and peered down at my scarred wrists. About a week ago my parents had found me in my bathroom. I was laying on the floor next to my bathtub, in a heap of tears and blood.

I smiled at the receptionist, and I told her I was there for an appointment with Paul.

"Ah yes, he's still with a patient right now, but Ill see to it that he gets you as soon as he's finished." she said kindly. I only nodded my head and took towards a chair in a back corner. I did not want to be seen here. If anyone saw me here, they would think I was a lunatic. A sixteen year old high school girl who already needed a shrink? I would rather pass on that title.

"Kate?" I looked up to see Pauls gorgeous blue eyes staring at me. I gulped and stood up and followed him to his office. He sat down at his desk and flipped through some papers as I nervously sat down. Its not that I was scared of him. I had been seeing him since I was little. Family counseling. My parents had marriage problems. It was the first time I had ever stepped foot into his office alone.

"How have you been?" Paul said giving me a sad smile.

"Fine, I guess." I replied with a halfhearted laugh. I folded my hands neatly in my lap and stared down at them. Gently tracing scars with my thumb.

"Kate, look at me. I want to ask you something. Not as your counselor, but as your friend." He said as I looked up into his concerned eyes. "Who are you?"

I ran a nervous hand through my dark brown hair. Who am I? What kind of question was that? Im Kate Anderson. Im sixteen and a junior in highschool. Im lonely. I dont really have many friends. I love poetry and classical music. I shrugged.

"I think thats your problem, Kate. You have to decide who you are." Paul said while leaning back in his chair. "You hurt yourself, I get that. Maybe once you actually know who you are you'll actually like who you are." he said.

"Its worth a shot." I shot back nonchalantly.

Paul smiled. "How about we start by finding out what you are not? These past two everyday I want you to find something that you arent. Find the things that dont define you."

I gave a simple nod and stood up. I walked out the door with a halfhearted wave.
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I walked home even though it was freezing outside. I had my jacket wrapped tightly around my skinny figure. I could hear the ice crunching beneath my boots as I took slow steps towards my house.

As I walked along a corner staring at the ground I walked into something hard. I quickly lose my balance, and land flat on my butt.

"Need a hand?" a strong arm grabs my wrist and pulls me up. "Sorry about that." I look up to see two green eyes staring up at me. The guy looks around my age. Dark brown hair and looks like he could be a model. I decide to give him a slight smile. "Hi." I just barely whisper. "Wow." I hear him say under his breath. I smile. Was this real? Did I actually take a guys breath away?

"Im Andy." he says. "Sorry, I ran into you. I was just skateboading. You alright?"

"Yeah, Im fine. It was my fault. I was just daydreaming." I say dusting the ice off of my jeans.

"Where are you heading? Its a little cold outside for you to just be walking around." he says flirtatiously.

"Im just walking home. Figured it was better than taking the bus." I whisper nervously. He grabs my hand and intertwines our fingers. "Ill take you home."

"N-n-no." I stutter. "I can just walk.."

"What kind of person would I be if I let a beautiful girl walk home alone? Especially in this weather. Come on." He says tugging my arm.

He walks me to his car and opens the door for me as I climb in. He turns the heater up full blast as I try to unthaw. I give him directions to my house but besides that the ride is pretty much silent. I stare out of the window at the winter wonderland in front of me. Heavens gift of snowflakes breezes down covering the ground in a white blanket. Theres children playing in their yards. Making snow angels and building snowmen. I missed the days when I was carefree and happy even. Would I ever be happy again?

"This house?" Andy asked pointed to my two story white house. It wasnt anything fancy. It was rather cozy. I liked it.

"Yeah, thats it." I replied. Andy pulled into my driveway and turned off his car as we sat in silence. "Thanks for the ride."

"Youre eyes are sad." Andy said jumping to the point. I looked down feeling my eyes briming with tears. He gently grabbed my hand and kissed it. "A broken beauty." He whispered as he rolled up my sleeves, revealing my ugly scars.

I let a tear roll down my cheek as the ugliest part of me was revealed to this stranger. I expected him to be apalled, to condemn me even. Instead, I felt his lips tracing my scars. He kissed them. All of them. He made them beautiful almost.

"Can I see you again?" he asked breaking the silence.

With that I jumped out of the car and ran up the steps to my house. I unlocked the door and shut it behind me. Then I sat in the floor directly in front of the door until I heard his car driving away.

I am not my scars.