Fooling Ourselves

How we Went Our Separate Ways...

This was it? He couldn't even write his full name? M? Wasn't that the same way my admirer signed his notes? M? M as in Martin? Was Dylan my admirer? It all made sense now. The fact that he couldn't have lunch with me...The fact that he was on the field...The reason he didn't bother to find out who my admirer was because he knew it was him. He was my admirer all along. He was the sweet guy who would send me really nice notes. Dylan...

But this was it? He couldn't come to see me to say goodbye and yet he couldn't even write a proper note? How dare he? I found myself turning around and storming out of the airport. I grabbed Thai and Theo insisting that they drive me to Dylan's house.

On arriving at his house I got out of the car and rushed to his room. I found him lying on his bed staring at his phone screen.

"I should have known. You not liking goodbyes and then our conversation. I should have known you were weak," I snarled, "How could you?"

"Skylar," he said jumping up frightened, "I couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't bring myself to let you go."

"You send that note? Really Dylan?" I scowled, "Am I not worth more?"

"God, of course you are! I just...I couldn't," he sounded torn.

"Man up Dylan! And that confession? You're my admirer?" my sentences were short and incomplete because I was angry.

"I thought you needed to know," he gulped.

"Ask me Dylan," I pleaded softly and he watched me carefully now.

"Ask you what?"

"Ask me to stay," I begged.

"I can't," he frowned and I stepped closer.

"Ask me," I told him once more and he shook his head.

"Harvard needs you," he struggled to say the words.

"But you need me more," I whispered and wrapped my arms around his neck.

"It doesn't matter. I won't hold you back. I won't do it," his voice was strained.

"Then don't," I said, "Don't stop me from getting what I want!"

"I'm not!" he groaned frustrated and pulled away from me.

"You are! I want you Dylan."

"I won't ask you to stay and I won't let you," Dylan warned me and I groaned.

"It doesn't have to be like this," I told him caressing his face, "We can still be together. I'll visit every break I get. We can video chat on weekends and I won't go to bed until I hear your voice during the weekdays. We can make this work."

"You'll be busy and I'll have football and school..."

"We'll make it work," my statement was final.

"Okay. We'll make it work," he agreed and then kissed me.

"You promise?" I asked not entirely convinced that he was being honest.

"I promise, sweetheart," he said sincerely looking deep into my eyes.

I nodded convinced and hugged him burying my face into his chest. I breathed in, taking in his scent for what seemed like it would be one of the last times in the longest while. He smelt good, as he usually did and I shamelessly buried my face further into his chest.

Hugging Dylan felt good but it brought tears to my eyes because I realized and had to accept the truth. I was really leaving. This was really happening. And it was like the world stopped spinning and begun to fall, all within three seconds and it hurt...I sobbed into Dylan's chest.

"This is actually happening," I pointed out.

"I have to let you go now," Dylan sounded heartbroken.

"It hurts Dylan," I cried harder, "It hurts so much."

"I know baby but...this isn't the end remember?" he was trying to be encouraging but I heard his voice crack.

"It won't be," I nodded and pulled away from him meeting his eyes again as he continued attempting to soothe me by playing in my hair.

"If anything happens, we'll come back to each other. I'm yours and I always will be," he said seriously and my heart rate picked up, "I think I should get you back to your parents. You'll probably need to sort out your flight."

"You're probably right. But as soon as I do, I'm coming back here and we'll spend the rest on my time together, whether it be hours or days," I smiled lightly as I finished my final promise, "I'll find you Dylan."