Karlie
Paper doll come try it on
And step out of that black chiffon
Here's a dress of gold and blue
Sure was fun being good to you
It's around 1 in the afternoon when you finally wake up, and it's a miracle that you're even up at all considering the little amount of sleep you got that night.
Your first thoughts upon waking up, are the memories of you and Taylor from the previous night, everything from her arriving out of nowhere, to the sex you had for hours on your couch. Last night had been different, you realize; it had been more tender, soft. She'd kept kissing you over and over, and looked into your eyes the whole time, and her hands had been so gentle against your skin like she was trying extra hard to be careful with you.
The images fleet through your brain, growing clearer with every new moment you spend awake, and they're enough to bring a small smile and blush to your face.
Smiling even bigger at the prospect of getting a good morning kiss, you turn over to face her side of the bed, with plans of waking her up with kisses; only to find her side of the bed empty.
There is a strange heavy feeling in your chest now, and you sit up in bed, to scan the floor of your room for her clothes or any sign at all that she hadn't already left you.
You find none.
If a moment ago, you had felt inflated with happiness and affection, you now suddenly feel hollow, feel like someone flicked a switch in your brain and made you go from downright elated to very sad in two seconds flat.
Of course. You tell yourself, and you almost want to laugh at you for being so pathetically gullible.
Of course nothing has changed. Just because she came to you in the middle of the night, all romantic and swooning and looking at you like you mean something, didn't mean anything would be different the next morning.
A cold, hollow feeling settles over you at thinking this, because you can't believe you were stupid enough to let yourself get too comfortable and secure with her acting like that again.
You lay back down in bed. There's no tears. Not yet, at least, not anymore. You realize, you're actually so used to this. You're so familiar to waking up like this, that it almost doesn't hurt as much anymore. Almost. You wonder if you'll ever be smart enough to stop yearning for her, and another part of you wonders how you could be stupid enough to always get comfortable with the expectation that she'll change. You move over to her side of the bed, and goddammit, it smells like her. Sadness shoots through you like a sharp pain, remembering how just a few hours ago, she'd been lying right here, entangled with you, making you feel like you had everything.
When you close your eyes to take in the smell of her, that's when the tears finally come.
This one we made just for fall
And winter runs a bit too small
This mint green is new for spring
My love didn't cost a thing
Taylor
You haven't even been awake three hours and you're already on your fourth smoke.
It's damaging to you, you know this, but right now that's why you're doing it. This is what you deserve. You deserve to be damaged. Fuck, this isn't even punishment enough for you, you think, because you're the most selfish and pathetic person on the planet.
Cigarette ash falls on your perfect white carpet, but you can't even give the slightest shit because all you can think is, did I really just stoop to this level of pathetic?
Even for you, what you did this morning was low. Even for you, and that's saying something. Sure it isn't the first time you've abandoned her. Hell, making a run for it before she awakes is something you might even call routine, but this morning, this, it was different.
After everything you gave her last night, doing this to her now was something completely different.
You can't believe yourself for being so incredibly stupid. Stupid enough to run to her in the middle of the night. This was the most counter-productive thing you could have done; after months of making sure not to be too romantic or endearing with her, you go and fuck it all over in just one night, by letting her see how much you really need her and how fucking deep in you really are.
And then, you screwed it up even further by slipping away before she even got a chance to wake up and see you.
Looking back, in hindsight, you realize you probably should have stayed with her this morning, but at the time, it had seemed like your only option. The second you'd woken up, you'd panicked, thinking about last night and how unguarded and loving you'd been towards her, and realizing you had no idea how to act around her when she woke up now; acting too neutral and uncaring would only serve to hurt her, while acting too adoring would be incredibly unfair, since you can't let her get too used to you being that way.
With all of that in mind, you'd buttoned up your shirt with shaking hands, and slipped out the door so fast you hadn't even gotten to check your reflection in the mirror, afraid she might wake up and catch you in the act.
Fuck, you don't even want to think about how she felt waking up, and you want to physically hurt yourself for being such a coward. How could you keep doing this to her but be too weak to ever stick around and face her? How could you be stupid enough to let your guard down the last few days and give her something so beautiful, act so adoring towards her, when you knew you'd only be letting her down?
Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Everything about you is so messed up and stupid, and you can't even think about how she must be feeling right now, how she must've felt when she woke up to an empty bed.
You don't even realize you're crying until the tears are halfway down your face. You wipe away at them, but more come, and it's becoming hard to breathe through your stuffy nose and lungs filled with smoke.
"I'm sorry, baby." Your voice is hoarse, breath is shaky and you pretend she can hear you. It gives you a small degree peace of mind. "I'm so, so sorry."
You're like 22 girls in one
And none of them know what they're running from
Was it just too far to fall
For a little paper doll?
