When I'm Gone

Chapter 14

My father's words still linger in my mind as I start pacing up and down the room. It's one of my strange quirks that I've had since I was young. Victoria thinks that I'm too restless and she usually pours a bunch of Lego all over the floor to prevent me from walking around. It's the reason why we have so much Lego, which in turn is the reason why Jay loves coming over. Every time he sees Lego all over the floor, he reacts like a crazy fangirl finally getting to meet her favourite band.

Girly screams included.

He'd either start building something, or throw the Lego at me, or take it home to add to his mountain of Lego. His house is covered in Lego, which is why I always take bedroom slippers over to his house when I visit to defend myself against the excruciating pain that I feel whenever I step on one.

Okay, I've just went off-topic. What was I talking about again? Oh, right, my non-dream that was a dream, but not a dream. I've longed to see my father again for the past few years, but I thought it'd never happen. Victoria is still grieving over him, but when she leaves this house behind, hopefully she'll leave us behind too and start a new life. She's a pretty talented artist, if you ask me. She does it as a distraction, to prevent too many thoughts from flooding into her mind. But after my father's death, painting just reminded her of him even more. Personally, I think she wants to stay reminded of him, even though his death just hurts her even more.

Letting go will hurt. But so will holding on. There's no point crying over the past, when you still have a future to look forward to. Holding on does more damage than letting go, which is what she desperately needs to understand.

Knowing my father, he'd definitely want her to let go. I remember him telling me that when my younger sister was born, Victoria refused to believe that she was dead. She was crying, praying, and screaming non-stop. I think at one point in time, she was even trying to give my sister CPR. It was as if something inside her snapped, and she didn't care about anything anymore, she just went totally insane. She would have murdered every doctor in the hospital, if it meant my sister would get to live. But it was my father who told her to stop. That my sister was gone, and there was nothing we could do about it.

I seriously can't understand how he could bear to say that. It's horrible to see someone die in front of you, with no way to ever save them. But the pain it causes when the person that dies is your own daughter must be fucking gut-wrenching. I respect my parents for having to deal with so much bullshit and still being so strong.

Unlike me. Yes, Alisa tormented me every single day of my life and made it a living hell, but when I look back, I was the one who had the decision on whether I should be affected by it or not. I only went through so little compared to what they've been through, and I blamed them for what I was going through. And to commit suicide over such a little thing? I'm such a brat, the type of person I promised myself I hated and would never ever be.

I guess sometimes we just grow into the people we promised we'd never become.

My death isn't Alisa's fault. It never has been, and never will be. I don't know why she never liked me. Sure, Alisa is a loud, rude, idiotic, fake, bimbotic, slutty, snaggletoothed, cruel, merciless bitch, but she has her reasons for everything. Maybe she was jealous of me. Or just really two-faced. (Even so, she should make one of them pretty. Okay, just kidding, Alisa is indeed quite pretty.) I'm the one who kept thinking that since Alisa made my life a living hell, my death would be her fault.

But I was wrong. Who was the only one who could have made the decision on whether I should commit suicide? Me. It was all me.

Now I just need to forgive Alisa, and I can probably get out of this world. But how am I going to do that? I might have realised that this wasn't her fault, but I can't forgive her for everything she's done to me just like that! (Although, if someone hit Alisa with a car, we might be getting somewhere.)

I need to go back to school. Pacing around in my room with all my thoughts isn't going to help me with anything. Who knew that even after my death, I'd still need to go to school? Gross.

***

You'd think that after almost the entire school turned against Alisa, she'd be walking around in shame, with her head lowered. Turns out, she's doing the exact opposite.

She acts as if she's a princess, and she needs to keep her crown from falling. Unfortunately (for her), she's not a princess and the only crown she deserves to wear is made of needles.

But the strange thing is that even though she's walking around proudly as if she's totally guilt-free, sometimes she just hunches her back and stares at the floor, like she's doing the walk of shame. Then she snaps out of it and goes back into princess-mode again.

Every time I see her doing that, I always think that there's something strange about her.

Let me explain. Alisa has really pretty eyes, but if you look deep into them, they're blank, cold and empty, just like a doll's eyes. So, one moment she'd be laughing at me with her soulless eyes, and then for a split second, she'd stop laughing at me and I swear, I could see just a tiny spark of humanity left in her. And then she goes back to laughing at me.

Something's not right with her. It's like she has a split personality or something. Or maybe all that plotting and scheming got to her head and knocked a screw loose.

But enough about her, I need to stop thinking about her. I mean, ignorance is bliss, after all. I'll just go stalk some other people now.

***

As I walk through the school, I realise that I don't really hate most of these people. After all, they were blinded by the thought of getting to hang out with Alisa. And now, her true colours have been exposed.

I also notice that Jay is no longer moping around about the breakup. Every time he sees Alisa, he just acts as if he doesn't see her, as if she's invisible. And apparently, it's Risa who's been helping him through this breakup, despite constantly chiding him on choosing Alisa.

I guess now everything is back to normal again. All I need to do is forgive Alisa, and I'll be away from this godforsaken world.

***

"Hey, can you follow me outside? I have something I need to tell you. Privately," says Jay and Risa nods.

Whoops, dropped all my eaves. Totally wasn't leaning on the wall watching Jay and Risa.

It's after school now, and most people have left, or are in an after-school club. So what could Jay and Risa be doing?

Jay leads Risa to the back of the school building, where it's nice and sheltered and they can have some alone time, while I follow behind. (Totally not stalking.)

"What did you want to tell me?" she asks.

"Well... this is gonna be kind of awkward to say. Ler, you've helped me get over Alisa and got me to think straight. You called Alisa out on her bullshit. I know you posted the video. You stuck with Kyla when everyone left her. I know you're a good person, and I think I'm starting to like you and I really want to get to know you better. So.... will you go out on a date with me, Ler?"

Before I can even react, Risa swings out her leg and kicks Jay right in the stomach.

***

Some of you might have seen this chapter already because I accidentally published it twice... oops.

I'm so sorry I haven't updated in so long, but this book is actually quite hard to write.

If you liked this chapter, please leave a vote. If you didn't, please leave me a comment and tell me what you think. Please do not be a silent reader.

Until the next chapter!