When I'm Gone

Chapter 4

What the hell is Risa doing here?

Of course, she would want to drop by and check on Victoria.

Just like her to do that.

Victoria is clearly shocked by her presence. She stands dazed for a while before saying,

"Of course. C-Come in. Make yourself comfortable."

My mother was nice to very few people. One of them was Risa.

"So," Risa says, "how are you doing?"

"To be honest, I'm not okay. Not at all. All of my family is gone. My parents died a few years back. My husband and daughters - all gone. Everything I touch dies!" She screams.

"Let it all out. You'll feel much better after it all."

"I feel like I should kill myself, too! No one likes me here on Earth. I should just go and join my family, shouldn't I?! Maybe it would be much better that way!" She takes a deep breath and continues, "It was because of me that they're gone. I just want to join them in the afterlife and tell them I'm sorry. Because I am. Especially to Kyla. I freaking pushed her to death, when I should have supported her!"

"Don't be so negative. You're not solely responsible for all this."

"Of course I am! I started that fight with my husband all those years back. I knew what Kyla was going through, and yet I acted like one of those bullies! Actually, I acted worse! What kind of mother am I?"

A bad one.

"Don't think like that. It's just that you've been through a lot. You can't control your emotions," Risa says.

Damn it, Risa. Why the hell are you being so nice??

This is the woman who pushed me to death! She's just like everyone else, only realising I died because of them after I was gone.

Victoria must be thinking the same thing as me, because she suddenly stands up and asks Risa to leave.

"Please, Lerissa. Leave. Now. I appreciate you coming here today, and you're a really thoughtful child, but I can't talk about it today. Like what you teenagers say, I can't even. I just can't even anymore. I'm sorry. Just leave," she pleads.

After Risa bids goodbye and closes the door, Victoria starts crying.

"Kyla. What have I done?"

****************************

I could never stand to see Victoria sad. I mean, she obviously deserved it. But she had been through so much. She deserved to be happy.

Since I couldn't bear to see Victoria in her current state, I decide to go and sleep.

Hey, ghosts get tired from wandering around the whole day too, you know?

As my head hits the pillow and my eyelids grow heavier and heavier, I cross my fingers and hope the memories won't be as bad this time.

*************************

I'm eight.

Having a water balloon fight with Jay. Talking. Laughing. Having fun.

He's so cute. Even his girly scream is cute, too.

And then a water balloon hits me in the face and transports me to the next memory.

I'm nine.

Painting with Victoria.

From afar, you'd think that Victoria is a pretty confident artist.

But if you looked closely, you could see her hand shaking. Her eyes, although they were focused on the painting, made it plainly obvious how worn-out she really was. How hard she tried to cover up how she felt on the inside.

It's like how when you look at a wall from afar, it looks perfectly fine. But if you look at it up close, you can see cracks. Paint stains. Its uneven-ness.

That was Victoria up close.

Painted over.

Cracked.

On to the next memory.

I'm still nine.

At my first gymnastics class.

Doing tiring warm-ups.

Learning the basics.

Attempting to overcome my fear of heights on the bars, and balance beam.

And then failing to overcome my fear of heights.

Damn it.

And then I hear a very familiar voice.

One that I haven't heard in a while.

"Hey. How's my not-so-sweet little girl?"

His smile.

His voice.

Him.

The only person who could save Victoria.

Her "superman".

My father.

This was a few months after my first gymnastics class.

And a few months before my father's death.

His death.

I remember it all.

My mother screaming. Crying. And then her silence. Her emotionless-ness.

Everything was going to change.

And I knew it all too well.

Slapping.

Kicking.

Insults.

Screaming.

Abuse.

No. Nonononono. No. My mind can't take this. Wake up, Kyla!

********************************

I awake with a jolt (once again).

I still can't get over my memories from my life.

People always told me to forgive and forget.

Is that why I can't go on peacefully?

Is it??