When I'm Gone

Chapter 3

[EDITED. Last edit: 18th November 2015.]

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"Darkness. Pain. Not you. Those are a few of my favourite things."

One of my favourite quotes from my mother.

Yes, she's depressed.

Yes, she is one of the people who pushed me to death.

Yes, I hate her.

My mother, or Victoria, as I called her, did nothing but ruin me. Her words, sharp as daggers, pierced through my heart and pushed me past my limits. She was also very negative. She loved painting, and was amazing at it, but all her paintings were dark and bleak and dreary. Kind of like her soul.

Sure, sometimes she snapped out of it and acted like a normal, loving mother but most of the time, she took it out on me.

I will never forget the final act she did that led me to tighten the rope around my neck. However, I don't want to talk about it. I'm trying to forget it, but the chances of that are as high as the chances of Alisa feeling remorse.

But who can blame my mother for this? Exactly. No one! She's been through a lot.

She lost a lot of important people in her life. Even though she hated me, I know she still had a special place for me in her heart of darkness. Now that she's lost me, I don't know how she can go on. But she's strong.

My mother, as you can tell, is a very bad parent. But there were times when she wasn't that bad. She used to love me. And I used to love her. But that all changed.

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I was four when my mother was diagnosed with mild depression. No, it wasn't because of me. How bad a child do you think I am? ActuaIly, I was supposed to have a younger sister. My family was all excited until her day of birth.

That was the day that my mother experienced her first loss.

My sister died at birth.

There was nothing the doctors could do. There was no danger of her dying. She died, without an explanation. Even though my mother was mildly depressed after that, she was still an amazing parent. And we owe it all to my dad.

He cheered my mother up when she was down. He encouraged her to take up painting. And life was good for six years.

Then, when I was ten, the biggest and most fatal blow came.

My parents got into an argument. They shouted so loudly our neighbours complained. No matter how hard I tried to stop them, they just pushed me away and told me to go to my room. My dad was angry. He stormed out of the house, cursing my mother with every step he took. He told me to take care of myself, and that was the last time I saw him alive.

My mother's second loss.

He got into a car accident a week after that, and I think you know how it goes from there. It was then that my mother was diagnosed with severe depression. Her paintings became the way they are now. If she bottled up her anger for too long, she took it out on me.

That was sort of how I met Risa.

She caught me crying once and asked me what was wrong. I'll probably delve deeper into that next time, but long story short, Victoria did something mean and lots of shit happened, so I cried adn told Risa about my problems, which was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

For some strange reason, Victoria liked Risa. A lot. She was particularly nice to Risa, and always seemed happier after Risa's visits. Maybe she's just good with adults.

But then after a while, Risa stopped visiting and things got worse. My mother started abusing me. She screamed names at me. Pointed out everything wrong with me. Sometimes she kicked and punched me. And more. All of these for no reason.

Until that one day when I gave up on life.

My mother's third loss. I think she only realised that she was part of the reason why I killed myself after I was gone.

But now I'm scared. Scared she might, too, kill herself. I hate her, but she needs to live a good life.

I don't want to lose anyone else, just as much as she never wanted to lose any of us.

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The doorbell rings and Victoria clearly doesn't care to answer it, so the person at the door lets herself in.

Oh hello there, Risa. Haven't seen you visiting here in a while now, have I?

Wait, what?

Risa??

"Hello, Auntie Victoria," she says. "May I come in?"