One of the biggest things I want to figure out is how my mind works.
I like details, if someone compliments me I enjoy the tiny details; but what goes on in my mind rarely joys me. It's frustrating. I use to think hating my body was worse than hating my mind, except now I hate my mind so much. You just can't hide your body, everyone physically sees it. I hate my mind because the only person who can begin to comprehend and see it is myself. I hate my mind because I'm in love with things I shouldn't be and I'm addicted to things I shouldn't be, addicted to things that'll kill me. I'm addicted to being self destructive whether it's slicing open my skin taking an extremely scorching hot shower to clear myself out or not eating when I'm sad. It sucks that that's something I actually enjoy doing and I'm addicted to.
I like the forbidden, by that I mean I enjoy being with people I shouldn't be as they're twice my age, talking to multiple people at once, or enjoying the company of silence.
I'm over analytic and things I analyze begin to backfire at me after awhile. I analyze the way people's eyes light up or dim down when they see a certain someone. Wether it be someone who means the world to them and a sparkle lights up, or someone they despise and you can see the little flame.
I hate my mind because whenever someone important tries to speak to me, I shut down. I can't help but shut down and respond in the most broad way. When I shut down I feel as I'm loosing control and sometimes that's when I self harm. And when I self harm I lose even more control.
It's an endless cycle of my mind wanting to self destruct. I hate my mind because when something goes wrong I visualize myself jumping out of a window. It seems dramatic but if you knew the story behind you'd begin to understand. It's a way of escape. That's not even how I'd kill myself, because the product is not beautiful enough for my twisted mind. Yet the concept I find pretty.
I hate my mind because it wants me to live in a movie. I leave at the most unreasonable times, when everything is perfect. I leave things perfect and try to forget about them so it doesn't bother me.
I hate my mind because I'm afraid of so many things.
