Letters To....

Everything That I Have Written About You

You said it didn't hurt you when I walked away. That's probably what stung the most. It was either that or when you told me that you now have a girlfriend. It killed me. I thought we were better than this. Stronger even, but I was wrong. I always seem to be wrong.

There are so many things and thoughts I'd like to tell you, possibly yell at you even. I'd never do it though. I couldn't say those things. They're just too hurtful. Just because you didn't care about hurting me doesn't mean that I don't care about hurting you.

It may seem like I always wanted to hurt you, but it's the complete opposite. I love you with everything I have. I'd do anything for you, no matter how much you hurt me. I guess that's what being in love is like... Loving someone even if they cause you pain.

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(Just throwing this one in cause I died whenever I read it.)

Dear journal,

I'm scared that I like Nathan.

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What's it like to be in love?

What's it like to love someone despite every single thing they've done to hurt you?

What's it like to be completely infatuated with someone even if lots of people find them to be the most boring thing on planet Earth?

What's it like to fight for someone's attention just because if you don't have it you feel lost?

To answer all of those in the simplest way possible, it hurts, but it's worth it. Every single second you spend on this one person that you're completely in love with is worth it. Even if it doesn't work out in the end. Even if things go wrong. Even if they break your heart time and time again. It will all be worth it.

That's what it's like to be in love with a boy named Nathaniel Jai Stacey.

I feel honored to get my heart broken by this boy. I don't even know why. It's just an honor that I'll never be able to comprehend.

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I've spent this past week staring at the ceiling in the dark thinking about this one boy. This boy who has taken over every thought I have in a very short amount of time. This boy who makes me smile like no one else has. This boy who tells me he has to pee and asks for permission before he goes. This boy with the color changing eyes. This boy who seems to brighten everyone's day by doing stupid little dances. This boy who I've fallen in love with. This boy who I can't have.

(This one is so cute and sad, like what the fuck?)

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Honestly Nathan, I love you. To absolute pieces. I have never felt this way about anyone. You make me smile like no one else has. You make me forget all worries in the world. You just make me happy. I don't even know how. I've been depressed for eight years, and I just seem to forget how to breathe when I talk to you. Whether it be on Skype, Facebook or whatever. You always seem to make me smile uncontrollably. It's literally like a whole zoo erupts in my stomach when you compliment me or just say that you love me. I can't explain it.

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Hello, again. This is like the millionth piece of writing I have written about you. I don't know why it's always you that's on my mind when I sit down to write, you just kind of are. I think it's because you've taken over my mind. Or just the fact that me and you are talking each time I write. Well, besides those times that I've written about being heartbroken about the whole break thingy we had. It was a very depressing time for me, not going to lie.