Distant Thoughts

I Am

For so many months I have
Spent them all defining myself by
How much I love you.

You, with your curly
Brown hair and your
Bright green eyes and the
Freckles that spatter across
Reddening cheeks and
Wide grins that never quite
Reach your eyes.

I've spent so many
Months just saying your
Name until I was
Blue in the face
You suck the life out of me
The oxygen and the
Happiness and

How is it that while you're
Killing me you're
Also breathing life back into my
Corrupted lungs?

Here, and now
So many
Months later I
Am going to define myself
On my own.

Not all these questions
I used to ask myself
Day after day and
Cried while I
Couldn't answer them.

Who could love a sad girl?
Who would stay with someone so insane?
Is life even worth living?
What am I doing here,
With these people and their empty eyes and broken smiles
What am I doing, pretending to be something I am not?

I am going to
Love myself
Every inch of
Me and I am going to
Grow flowers out of every inch
Of skin that I tore apart
While waiting for you
To come back home.

I am going to
Make a home in my own bones
And find solace in
My own body, my
Own life.

I am going to
Be myself and
Love myself for
Being just that

I am nothing
But a girl
But at the same time, I am
Everything all at once

I am the wind that rushes through the trees and
Rattles the wind chimes on your front porch.
I am the flowers growing out of the
Cracks in your foundation and I am
The seaglass that hides between grains of
Sand and I am the four leaf clover
Sneaking among blades of grass and
I am the world and
I am the seasons and
I am forces of the Earth and

More importantly I am
Mine
Before I am anyone else's

I asked myself,

How do I love you
When I don't even love myself?

And the answer to that is
I love myself,
I just didn't realize it
Because I spent too much time defining
Myself by how much I loved you.