rogue ⇒ l.h

[18]

[18]

day 3

i didn't want things to end like this. i didn't want to part this way. i wanted to leave luke with good memories of me, not the way it had yesterday.

i had nothing to lose anymore, nothing to give. i was a shameless stupid lovestruck girl who was going to leave everybody she ever cared for.

i called luke's phone so many times that i couldn't count and my battery life went flat. i lay in bed, living a blur of crying and sleeping and burying myself in the sheets. i was going to miss raven and cade and luke so much. it didn't even seem real that i was about to disappear from their lives tomorrow.

raven and cade knew i was bedridden and heartbroken but they only knew half of the truth. they left me alone nevertheless, and reminded me that i could talk to them whenever i wanted.

i decided after a while that i was going to write goodbye letters to them. i took out three pieces of paper from my drawer and a pen and started writing, starting from cade.

and then raven. and lastly, luke. i had saved him for the last because i knew it was going to be the hardest of them all.

dear luke,
by the time you read this, i would already be gone. i would have already left for a place where i can forget everything and start anew. this decision has been made for a very long time and i've never told anyone, not a single soul. if you're wondering, no, it's not because of you or what you did. i made this choice a long time ago and i won't regret it.

the first time we met, you saved me from a fire. my parents didn't make it. i blame myself everytime and wish it was i who had been burned to death instead of them. the second time we met, you were robbing a girl. i saw your beautiful blue eyes and knew there was something about you, something that i had seen before. the third time we met, we were at a party and i was drunk and i danced with you and then the gangsters came and almost caught me but you saved me, again.

i always wondered why it was you and only you who came to my rescue. why not someone else? why not i get killed by them? and then i realized it was fate. fate brought us both together for a reason and i don't know what it is but i know it's important.

when i got to know you, you were so kind and nice and gentle and caring and amazing and beautiful. i never knew a person with a heart and mind like yours. i wanted to get to know you better, talk to you everyday, be with you every step of the way. little by little did i realize i was falling for you.

no, i am not ashamed to admit it. i was falling for you and it was too late when i realized that i fell for you. i am in love with you, luke. you don't know how much i want to touch you, kiss you, feel you with all i have. but the poison capsule that is my body does not allow me to.

the day that i kissed you, was the best and the worst day of my life. i never knew i could feel all those emotions at once, and i went crazy— i still am. it was unimaginable, so perfect and so wonderfully amazing. i didn't want to hurt you, so i broke the kiss and used words to hurt you.

what i did not expect was that what you said to me would hurt me so deeply. my shattered heart was cut into another million pieces all by the words you said. i still remember them so clearly. "i never liked you anyway, you're just a sad self-pitying little girl who nobody loves!"

it honestly would have hurt less if it came from anybody else, but it came from you. and i love you. but i realized you were right, i am a sad self-pitying little girl who nobody loves. it's okay, luke.

i don't think you'll be seeing me anymore so i'll answer the question that you asked me the day at nando's. you asked me why gangsters were after me. well, that's because i killed their boss and stole all the drugs from them. you see, before i met you or raven, i was depressed and in a bad place and someone offered me drugs. long story short, I got addicted and used my power to kill people for the drugs. that's why the gansters came after me. i'm not addicted anymore though, because my new drug is you.

nothing in the world can give me pleasure when i am with you. just seeing you cooking, watching tv, sleeping and talking to me gives me high like nothing else. it doesn't matter if you don't reciprocate the feelings i have for you. we'll not see each other again, i think.

no matter what, i hope you'll see me as the same marie you've always known and that you'll forgive me for leaving. in time, you'll meet new people and have a new life and marry a pretty young girl who loves you the way i do if not more. i will miss you so goddamn much and no words can express how incredibly sad i am. i love you luke and god knows that will never disappear. in every way possible, i am yours. luke, this is not goodbye, this is a new beginning.

love you always,
marie.