Dizzy

Chapter 8

~ Ziah ~

Christmas passes in a blur of me trying not to think about James and Alyssa or Derrick and Lora, or what it's going to be like to go back to school with them and plan a wedding that I'm not sure should even happen.

I'm still pissed at Lora because freaking Dylan noticed something's wrong with me while she's still running around clueless. At this point, I'm not telling her out of principle.

***

Two days after Christmas, I'm almost home from my run when I see James on my porch. I want to turn around and run away, but two things stop me. First off, I'm stronger than that. And second... he saw me.

I slow to a walk, wondering what on Earth I'm going to say to him when we get close. I don't know what happened, and I don't want to know. The whole thing makes me sick, and it's all bottled up inside me because I can't talk to Alyssa, and my sister's too busy with Derrick.

James' voice pulls me into the present. "Ziah, I..."

"You do not want to hear what I have to say right now."

I point at him and push past where he's standing on the sidewalk. How long has he been standing this close? And wow, I just sounded way tough.

"No, no. I do. Let me have it. Say anything you want." He keeps pace with me. "Anything so we can be back to the way we were." He's been crying, no doubt.

"Tell me everything." I stop to stare.

He needs to say what actually happened, all of it.

"I told you already," he pleads. "I texted you everything."

Right. The texts I didn't read. "Well. What would you say if I said I'd talked to Alyssa?"

I haven't talked to Alyssa, of course. I haven't read texts or email, but I figure right now my best option is to pretend I have.

His jaw drops. My heart rips a little further. It's bad. More than once? Many times? I'm confused as to why he still wants me.

"Yeah. That's what I thought." I run up my porch steps and push open the front door.

"Ziah, please..."

"What? What else do you want from me, James?" You've already crushed me. There's nothing left.

"She was drunk, Ziah. And you don't pull on me like that anymore. Like you really want me. I knew it was stupid. And it was just one time. I swear. When I was dropping her off."

Oh. Right. The night of the party; I really should have put that one together.

I spin to face him, keeping the now half-closed door between us. She pulled on him. Her. On him. He kissed her. I knew half this already, but now I have something to formulate a picture, and it kills me.

"I don't want to talk to you, James. I don't love you enough to stay together, and I'm trying to decide if I even like you enough to stay friends." I slam the door in his face and cry because this should have never happened.

And then I cry because James and Ziah are no longer, and because my sister hasn't even asked. It's been more than a week, and she hasn't asked where he's been or how we are. And then I cry even more because I want to talk to Alyssa. I miss her.

I'm so stupid.

Why the hell would anyone want to be in love? Why would anyone want to be married?

I'm in my empty house, and I pace as tears stream down my face. What do I do? It's not even like I have anyone I can talk to. My phone beeps.

ALYSSA: WE NEED TO TALK.