Cold Hard Hugs

#2 _ Always a First Time

Even before we'd started this was the most awkward thing I think I'd ever done, and it only got worse from there.

Now that we'd both sort of agreed to this hug - in a loose, non-committal sense of agreement - there was at least five seconds when neither of us did anything. Then we both went in for it at the same time, stopped, laughed nervously when we sort of blocked one another, and then tried again with much the same result.

The third time, she hung back and let me shuffle up to her. There really was no backing down now. Spreading my arms, I gently wrapped them around her shoulders and pulled her in. All things aside – that she had no legs, was a living-machine, etcetera and so on – Tillie really was actually quite small, at least compared to me. Slender. She practically disappeared into me as her own arms came in around my ribs, clinging to the trunk of my body.

That wasn't the thing that got me most though, and it wasn't what I noticed. I had expected her to be cold and still to the touch, like embracing a fridge or a filing cabinet. But she wasn't. I mean, she wasn't exactly warm, but she certainly wasn't cold – which was nice – but most of all, she wasn't still. There was a trembling in her, like a small vibration that was just on the edge of being noticeable. With her so close I could feel it humming right through my chest.

It was unusual. But not unpleasant. There was the tiniest amount of give in her but nothing like a human, and her arms around me – which squeezed tighter – were thin and hard. Like leaning on a railing. Sort of. Not uncomfortable, but not something you'd want to do for too long.

She pressed her head sideways-on against me and nestled in as close as she could, which made me melt a little and I in turn held her a little firmer than I could before. I sort of wanted to just keep her close. I didn't know why. She felt so small all of a sudden. Not in the sense that she was actually small - which she was, admittedly - but in the sense she seemed dwarfed by the world. Or something.

"Thank you," I heard her say, quietly, voice muffled. I tried to look down but couldn't, so stopped bothering and just let my chin rest on top of her head.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"No-one has ever...I've never...this is the first hug I've had...no-one's ever wanted...no-one's ever wanted to touch me..."

I had never heard Tillie have such difficulty getting anything out before. She kept faltering and stopping, words coming in spits and spurts and even then so quiet I had to strain to hear them. Her arms were actually starting to dig into me a little she was holding on so tight but I just winced and bore through it. It wasn't so bad.

Without really thinking I lifted my chin and moved one hand up to rest on her head and gave her a light little pat on the back with the other. From what she'd told me about sensors and such she would probably be able to feel it, but I was going more by guesswork and instinct than anything else, really.

"Hey, it's okay, don't worry about that right now. Was it worth waiting for?" I asked and felt her nod.

"Yes. I don't want to let go. Please don't let go."

"That's alright, I won't let go," I didn't really want to anyway. Something about it wouldn't let me.

I wanted to keep her right there, and I didn't want to go anywhere else. The rain seemed louder all of a sudden, and I couldn't shake the sudden feeling that we were both just sheltering one another from a world outside that wasn't very nice to be in at that moment. I felt safe. I hoped she did, too. I sort of wanted to make her feel safe. Protected. Looked after. This wasn't entirely unusual, but never had I felt it so strongly before. Weird. She was still wriggling herself into me when she paused all of a sudden.