Cold Hard Hugs

#7 _ An Conversation

"You know exactly what we have to talk about," she said and I drooped, sagging against the wall as I let my bag drop to the ground. I nodded dolefully.

"Yeah..." I said. All of a sudden I felt very, very cold. Tillie was very obviously unimpressed with my melodrama - which had been unintentional - but clearly thought better than to be sidetracked by it.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you. I was upset," she said, straightening up but keeping her arms folded across her chest. 'Folded' summed her up pretty well at that moment. Normally her tail trailed behind her, but now it was a coil she was resting on, and it only looked like it was getting tighter.

"I know. I'm sorry," I said.

"Why are you sorry?" She asked. Which stumped me immediately. My jaw flapped a moment before the rest of me gave up.

"I don't know..."

Being English, apologizing was a reflex that didn't require much thinking. Like blinking. And like blinking, when pointed out, it tends to make you stumble on it. Tillie didn't have to blink which gave her an unfair advantage. Or maybe I was getting confused and lost in my own words and morose thoughts. Probably that. I noticed dolefully just how impossible it is to hide in a hall, especially when you're already in conversation with the person you want to hide from.

"The party. We need to talk about the party," she said. Obviously really. I felt colder.

"Oh. I thought you enjoyed it? A little bit." Even as the words left my mouth I could feel how feeble they were, like the waft from a creaking fan on a stifling day. Not sure where that imagery came from. Probably panic.

"I didn't. I was lying to you," she said. I didn't even know Tillie was capable of lying. Learn something new every day.

"Oh..."

Thinking about it, I probably could have worked that part out on my own if I had been paying attention. But I hadn't. Worse, I had to admit to myself that I had been deliberately ignoring it. More fool me. Turns out pretending a problem doesn't exist doesn't make it go away. That's the sort of thing I wish someone had told me sooner.

"I know you meant well bringing me along and it's not your fault it's just...I didn't like it. There were all these people I didn't know and all these girls and – and - and everyone was looking at me. I know people look at me. I'm – I wouldn't say I'm used to it, but it doesn't bother me much when they do it. But yesterday, in that room, with you – I – everyone looking at me knew I was there with you and I knew they were all thinking 'why is he here with that'?"

"I really don't think they were thinking that..." I said, though not being a mind-reader I lacked conviction. Maybe they were had been. What if they had been? Not that what I said mattered; Tillie continued regardless.

"And there was that one girl, the one you sat next to. She definitely didn't know why you were there with me. I could tell. And with the way she was with you, I didn't know why I was either. Or I started to wonder."

"Michelle?" I asked, not entirely sure who else she might be talking about. Again, Tillie did not acknowledge what I said. Which was fair enough. I'm background noise at the best of times.

"They have – she has - things I don't. Things I can't have and never will. Which means she'll always be better than me and have more to give you than I do. I want to be a lot to you, mean a lot to you, be special. If she has things I can't ever have then it's just not fair. I can't do it! How can I do it? I can't do it the way they can, I just can't and it's not fair!"

I did not like the tone of this conversation or the direction it was taking, even if I didn't fully understand it. I swallowed, and once I had I still couldn't actually say anything. Seeing me still quiet, Tillie threw hands up.