If Only...

BITING OFF MORE THAN I CAN CHEW

"Danny, Danny . . . " I grab a hold of his face, and to my surprise, he stops.

I gaze down into deep hazel brown eyes set ablaze, speculating. I'm tongue tied. Literally. I didn't expect for him to actually stop. Who in their right mind would stop now?!

"Not here." I say finally, my eyes lifting up to our unideal surroundings in my six year old daughter's bathroom and back to his. He's smiling when I look at him.

"What?" I grin, suddenly touched by humor. I think I needed bthat slight deviation. It has been way too intense for this old heart.

Wordlessly, he kisses me again, but what brings out my record-breaking heartbeat is when he starts walking.

Ironically, it takes time for the panic to establish itself in me, right in the midst of all the passion an the intensity.

But by the time the outer surface has been grazed, Danny is already in my room. That's when it arrives.

Keep it in, keep it in . . . .

I keep chanting continuously, but to no use. That wall up in my head has been breached and it is too late.

I turn to anything even remotely positive for help, and there seems to be just enough to keep me dangling. But I need more to make it through . . .

Ugh! Why does it have to be me? Why can't I just shut it off?!

"Danny." I breathe, holding his dear face in my hands as he sits on the edge of the bed with me still on top of him.

I am torn. No, I am painfully ripped between what I can't have and what I need.

But somehow, I am dangling at the fringe of hope.

"You look scared." He says deadpan, and I shut down for a nanosecond. How--

"I am too." Danny's admits, raising his cold and trembling fingers to my face to caress it.

Oh no. He thinks it's just nerves.

I need to tell him something. To take it slow at least or something!

"I . . . I don't think I can do this." I squeal, leaning away. My heart thuds again, but it isn't the libido.

Oh, what am I doing?

"You don't have to do anything, sweetheart . . . I'll take care of you now."

Those are the last words I hear before he pushes me back onto the bed gently, and my head lands in the valley between the pillows. My body stiffens, shutting out entirely.

What was I thinking? That I could handle this all at once? That I would suddenly possess miraculous strength to overcome this?

It was never meant to be easy. But I tried to ride along. I tried to give it chance. But now it's gone. I'm all out.

It doesn't take long before I realize that I can't move. I am frozen.

But I can feel everything.

"Oh, baby . . . You're so beautiful . . . "

I hear his murmur, before soft and moist lips touch my skin. This a contrast to him. The monster.

I squeeze my eyes shut, and just submiss myself to him.

Warm tears trickle down my face and onto the sheets, but I think they go unnoticed. I'm still all alone.

I bite my lip to keep a squeal in, and soon enough, I feel the sting on my sensitive lips and taste the metallic tang in my mouth. I swallow and open my eyes to keep the darkness out, fixing them on the dimly lit ceiling, as time crawls agonizingly slowly and the walls close in around me.

A part of me wants to indulge and embrace this in hopes of it getting better. I want to hold Danny and maybe guide him until I feel in control but my arms are frozen stuck to my body.

Just like that night . . .

No!

I swallow again, but I don't have the strength to hold it in this time. Glimpses of that night and my own tears consume me, and I am lost again.

It takes every last drop of hope in me to be aware that it was Danny's lips on my skin and that this was nothing similar to that night . . .

Nothing . . .

That's when it happens.

A glimmer. Just a faint glimmer of hope flickers past, and it doesn't feel apocalyptic anymore.

I find strength.

For the first time since I've been in this room, I find that there will be a next day.

And fatefully, that is precisely when the lamp dims, and the icy arms of darkness completely envelop me.

This was déjà vu.

But I had no hand muffling my mouth this time.

I scream.