Rants, ships and randomness.

Something I just feel like I have to say.

Warning: just some thought may be considered sad. PLEASE no hate in this one, I'm going to open up about my thoughts.

Special message

Dear friends and family reading,

PLEASE don't look at me any different after reading this, PLEASE keep looking at me with your bright, warm and affectionate smiles that keep me smiling, that smile that makes me feel needed and loved. I just need you to know I'll be fine I'll cope.....I always have.

Yours sincerely Bianca.

.....Okay.....I just finished watching something that brought back a flood of memories and emotions that I need to just........express I guess or say something before it eats me up inside. I have so many things I want to say but I just don't know how to write them in a way that makes sense to you and you can understand so you might be reading just a bunch of gibberish but just try to understand my strange sentences that seem at points to have nothing to do with each other.

I feel like I have no purpose, that my life hasn't and couldn't change others' lives. It just seems like I'm just a naive, spoiled, childish, strange, cowardly, confused, useless, unimportant, cry baby, over emotional, selfish, pathetic girl who has done nothing major to help anyone I care about. I say all the wrong things in those circumstances where I think now why did I say that? Why did I do that? Why didn't I do something useful? Why did I say something that shouldn't be said or makes the problem even worse? How could I have been so blind? I wish I could relive those events and say or do something else......but the problem is I still don't know what I should have said or done to have made things better. I even still remember when I was much younger I would repeat to myself 'You're worthless', 'You're pathetic', 'You're a waste', 'You're useless' things like when no could hear or see me. In recent years I have seemed to notice without my friends or companions I seem to be nothing just a living object that has no purpose. When I'm with some people I consider my friends I seem to just be there like a tag along, a leech. I could be right next to a friend and we would be in our own worlds hardly speaking to each other. Speaking of our own worlds I try to deal with pain or sadness by going into my own world but it follows and I try to reflect it in my world to try and deal with it better....but some times when I want to be feeling those emotions and cry I sometimes just don't. At my first funeral I didn't shed one tear that I can remember and the whole time I was trying to find sad or happy memories to make me cry but there wasn't enough memories that I could even remember, I think I only had one photo of us together that I had drew on when I was little so I practically had nothing physical for me to remember them by. I feel like the world wouldn't be much different without me. At points I feel like the world hates me, people I care about and......myself. That is one of my biggest problems I sometimes hate everything about myself physically and emotionally, I even question why other people like me. I know you may question why don't I talk to a sibling or grandparent about it but I'm an only child and I live more than an hour away from most of my family, and before you ask I have no fluffy, cuddly pets to comfort me like cats or dogs, just animals that try to attack me. Sometimes I wish I could read other people's minds so I can see what they truly think of me because I always imagine the worst things they could think of me.

Okay I think I have gotten all I needed to off of my chest and this was really hard to type looking through tears but I think I'll be okay. Just a few things to note:

I do not cut or do any sort of self harm.

I don't feel like adding my usual message I just have one for you the reader:

Even If all hope is lost and you feel like nothing know as long as one person-It doesn't matter if you have just a stranger- who is grateful or happy because of you your life is worth living.

I think I have probably forgotten something but oh well I guess. Who knows maybe I'll regret writing this and delete it but let's hope this is the last time you have to read someone's sad story.