If Fire Caught

Chapter 34: Peeta

Memories.

So many bad memories live here. As I wake up and see Katniss laying beside me, for a moment, I almost think we're home. But I feel the all too familiar metallic ring of the manacle around my wrist. I'm most certainly not home.

My mind is a jumble. Katniss is a threat. Or at least, I think she is. But watching her sleep, she just looks so tiny. So precious and nonthreatening. Her chest rises and falls as she lets out small breaths and her long hair shadows her face. Such a peaceful sight. But then again, so is a sleeping tiger.

She groans slightly and the weight is lifted from my right arm as she sits up. She looks over at me and the black and purple bruises around her eye come into view. That's my proof for a new fact I must keep written in my brain, even as it is befuddled.

She is no threat to me. It's the other way around in fact.

"Did you sleep okay?" she asks as though none of last nights events happened.

"As well as could be expected I guess," I say. "What about you?"

"I've never slept very well here," she says looking down. "Now I'm getting the nightmares back." She awkwardly plays with the pendant around her neck.

"Which ones?" I ask her.

"The ones that I started having after I lost the baby," she says and I see a tear run down her cheek. "The stupid cruel dreams where we still have a baby and Snow never did what he did to you."

"Those don't really sound like nightmares," I say and her eyes start welling up with more tears.

"They are when I have to keep waking up and remember the River is dead and that you aren't really you anymore," she says curtly before turning her back to me.

"You know I'm trying right?" I say. She nods as she starts to braid her hair down her back.

"I know," she says."if there is even a shred of you left, you'd never stop trying."

"I've missed talking to you," I say. "I've missed hearing your voice."

"You're okay?" she asks, looking confused. "You know what's going on, clearly?"

"For the most part," I say. "A lot of things were still really confusing. Really shiny."

"Shiny?" she asks.

"Fake and too clear," I say. "Memories are never that clear. The real ones I have left are really fuzzy. I barely have anything left that's real."

"What do you have?" she asks and I notice that she's come closer to me. "What do you remember?"

"When you sing, the birds don't," I say. She nods solemnly.

"That's what you always told me," She says. "You always said that my singing is what made you fall in love with me."

"On the first day of Kindergarten," I say, the memory coming to the surface as she brings it up.

"That's right," she says gently. "You loved me in secret for eleven years. I had no idea until you announced it at the interviews. And even then, I wasn't sure until I saw the hurt on your face when you realized how it was in the games wasn't real life."

"You didn't love me," I say. She shakes her head and gently takes my hand.

"I cared about you," she says. "It mattered to me what happened to you. After they pulled us out of the arena, they had to sedate me just to get me away from your side. But, no. I can't lie to you. I didn't love you then."

"I didn't care?" I ask.

"You did," she says. "You tried to hide it, but I saw the pain in your eyes each time I was with Gale. When I suggested we get married for the cameras, that down right broke your heart, even though you agreed because you wanted to protect me from Snow."

I don't say anything and find it hard to meet her gaze. What she says makes sense. A lot more sense than the jumbled, shiny memories I have. But as she describes what happened, it hurts all over again.

"Peeta, I do love you now," she says when she notices the look on my face. "It took me a long time to see it, but I do love you too." I nod but still find it hard to meet her gaze. I feel her move closer to me and flinch slightly as she lays her head on my shoulder.

"How long was I here?" I ask. "How long before they came for me?" I feel a tear run down her cheek and land on my shirt.

"It took them nearly twelve weeks before they finally went to get you," I say. "They wouldn't let me go because technically I was still mentally challenged from losing the, the," She bursts into tears, unable to say those words again. And honestly, I don't think I can stand to hear her say it again. The pain of losing our baby, our son who had a name and was so close to living I can almost hear his cries, is still very raw.

"I know," I say.

"I kept begging them and begging them," she cries. "They didn't think you were worth it. Not when we weren't legally married. They we even trying to bury River among their dead. The nameless baby Everdeen's funeral would most likely have been some sideshow in their propos with the grieving Mockingjay as the centerpiece."

"Everdeen?" I ask.

"They didn't give him his name and they most certainly didn't give him yours," she says simply. "It was Gale who finally helped me get him home, helped me lay him to rest."

"I'll be sure to thank him," I grumble and she sighs.

"I know you two will never be friends, but I wish you'd at least try to get along," she says as she gets up.

"I'm sorry, but it's just something you wouldn't understand," I say.

"You can go back you sleep if you want," she says. "I'll wake you if anything happens."

"I'll only sleep if you do," I say. "It's still hours before sunrise and I know they won't leave without their Mockingjay." She sighs.

"You know, I don't think you've always been this stubborn," she says.

"Well, consider it a good thing that came from my torture," I say. She looks down for a moment before shaking her head as though to clear it.

"Alright," she says. "But I don't think I have it in me to sleep much longer."

"But just for a little while," I say. "You've been through a lot."

"It was nearly three months ago," she says as she lays down next to me. "I should be fine. We should both be fine."

"Then why does the pain feel so new," I say.

"Do you think it will get better?" she asks.

"I hope so, Kitten" I say. "I sure hope so."