The Fear of Letting Go (BoyXBoy)

Chapter Nine; The Past is Past

"What? I thought you were done with West," Blake said innocently, taking a step closer to me with a tilt of his head. He wants to get a rise out of me, I can see it in his eyes, that glint of amusement, and the twitch of a smile on his lips. He wants me to get angry, do something about all of this. He wanted me to scream to him what I had been denying for far too long. And, fuck, it's working. I'm really fucking angry. I balled my hands into fists. I want West. I really, really do. And damn it... if he was telling the truth and West really did want me too... I'd scream it from the rooftop if I had to.

"Oh, shut the hell up, Blake," I sneered, sending him a scowl. I threw my hands up and stood up from the bed, pacing back and forth. "Of course I'm not done! I want that stupid, goofy background character with every fiber of my being! The fact that he hasn't called me in three days is fucking killing me!" 

By now, that small twitch of a smile on Blake's face was a full blown grin as he watched me, snickering. I huffed, feeling slightly better after screaming.

"I-I just wanted to see if he cared enough to stop me. If he likes me so much, then why the hell didn't he just say it?"

Blake pursed his lips, shrugging. "I told you. He was waiting for a good moment. I mean, he did take you out to dinner, a movie, took you out shopping... Geez, Liam, what else did you think was happening?

"Those are things we always do together!" I shouted, dragging a hand through my hair, biting at my lip irritably. "I-I don't know. I didn't really think anything of it- Okay, enough. What the hell are you smiling at?"

Blake beamed at me and I narrowed my eyes back. He gave a heave of his shoulders and walked towards me, taking a seat on the bed in front of me. He eyed me. 

"Nothing. It's just that this is the first time I've ever seen you so invested in someone," He stated, grinning up at me. I flushed, my chest tightening. He hummed, leaning back on his hands. "You're always pretending like you don't have a heart, like you're this cold, tough guy who doesn't care about anyone. You act like you're fine being on your own and you don't need anyone else but... This is the first time that I've seen you so worked up. It's good to know that you've got someone you like this much and who likes you back. I just think this is good for you."

At that, all of the color rushed to my cheeks. I grit my teeth, glancing away from Blake, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of knowing he struck a nerve.

"It's not good," I muttered, wringing my hands together. If I'm being totally honest, I don't really know if I think it's a good thing. Letting someone in like this, giving them a chance to explore everything about you, to learn all of your weaknesses, all of your fears... It's scary.

Having someone so close to you, knowing that the option was there for them to leave, but you've just got so much invested in them, you want to keep them by your side forever. Having someone close like that just gives them the opportunity to leave you there, alone in the dirt.

Look at how I grew up.

Loving someone can be so bitter-sweet. It could be beautiful, happy, all sunshine and rainbows, or it could be angry, harsh, devastating, and, well, terrifying. The line between the two is very thin and the scale is easy to tip. In my entire life, I had never felt the need to test any of it. I had no interest in risking my own heart, nor in taking care of someone elses. I never actually wanted to be in a relationship and risk everything that I am for that beautifully depressing sort of love.

But right now, more than anything, I found myself wanting to explore that fear. I-I want to have that with someone. All of it. I want to experience everything. I want someone who I'm afraid to lose, who is afraid to lose me. Someone to coddle me and show me what love actually feels like. As terrifying as it is, I have to admit that I'm curious. And if anything, I'm yearning for it.