What Led Me to You

Chapter 4

            To me things between Alex and I had been burned and no longer existed. However I quickly realized that Alex and l had two very different takes on this situation.  In his eyes it was a small problem easily able to be overcome by talking. This was not the case as long as I had a say, I just didn’t want it anymore. Dreading dearly the thought of returning to school, to a place that I couldn’t get away. Although I didn’t want it to come, it approached quickly and I was unprepared, sooner than I thought, it was here to deal with. In my head, playing the situation out, only sharing one class all day with him, it would be easy. We wouldn’t talk unless we needed to, avoiding confrontation with one another as much as possible. I thought my day would be changed greatly, I would have to walk alone to art first period and only sit with friends and not give hugs and kisses throughout the day.

My thoughts were highly inaccurate, almost all my thoughts went through as the opposite. What really happened on Monday morning after break, was completely unexpected. Waking up and starting the normal routine minus the morning phone call, I was almost complete when the phone buzzed forcefully again and again. Cautiously I lifted it and looking at the glowing screen, Alex. Go figure I thought to myself. Picking it up, I clicked the flat send button and placing it to my ear.  

“Hello?” unsure, I answered.

“Morning” he said in a shaky voice sounding on the verge of tears.

“Morning” I said quickly back more unsure than before.

“I thought I’d call you like usual,” a pause “is that okay?” I thought about his question, no.

“Yeah.” Damn you mouth, acting without my permission, saying words that I didn’t want. I sighed deeply trying to relax myself, knowing this day was going to be painfully slow and not one bit easy.

“Okay just checking,” another awkward filled moment “so, how’s your morning been?”

“Great.” Lie “what about you?”

“Bad”

“Oh, sorry.” More awkward silence. “I have to go get ready.” I finally blurted out.

“Oh okay, um, I do too. Talk to you soon?” as if he were asking permission.

“Sure.” My shaky voice said.

“Okay well, um, I’ll go then, love you, bye”

“Bye.” I said in a soft tone, then clicking the end button. One fragile tear ran down my cheek slowly until jumping off and landing on the counter top placed below me in the kitchen. This is not going to be easy ..at all. My silent thoughts made me shiver.

            Arriving into the building with a gloomy feel despite the laughter and slurred talking taking place in the wide, dark halls. I reached my locker trying to rush, then thinking of the situation, where am I rushing to?  Dumbfounded by the thought, I slowed my pace grabbing one book at a time, gently piling them into my arms for transpiration.

            “Hey,” the voice was scared and soft, everything was still as I froze, startled. I looked at the face that held the same expression that the voice displayed. The answer to my question was clear now, anywhere but here. I turned with my notebook in my arms, with my eyes avoiding his. “Can I get a hug?” his tone the same, and not wanting to be completely heartless, I nodded. His arms wrapped around my body and my one arm, half hugging him while holding a notebook. He leaned for a kiss that would spark false hope to him, I turned my face and leaned back, his kiss instead landing on my cheek. He frowned even heavier than before.

            “Alex,” he cut into my words.

            “We’re trying to work things out, right? We can do that?” I looked at my rough shaped, used to be white, slip-ons. Slowly working the courage, I shook my head then looked up at his unavoidable eyes that pleaded with me to reconsider. A tear was forming in his eye as well as mine, I felt like a terrible monster. Feeling like this, does that mean I should just do what he wants so he doesn’t get hurt? Or would this just lead to more hurt? Am I evil for what I have done?  Thoughts raced through my mind all at once.

            “Um, well I’m going to go get my stuff.” He turned and walked away slowly. After he’d disappeared around the corner I walked, following his path. I turned the quick corner as he did walking to the locker that had the person I needed to talk to the most, standing in front of it collecting the day’s items.

            “Hey.” Their voice calm, I was nowhere near that.

            “You’ll never guess what happened this morning.” I said, as Becka looked at me wide eyed.

            “What?” she asked, I sighed.

            “He came to my locker his morning and tried to kiss me,” I let my voice trail, “I hugged him.” My voice gradually fading out completely, Becka picked where I left off.  

            “What did you say to him?” She looked over her shoulder at the subject of our conversation. I looked in the direction, his sudden movement, flipping us both to face back towards Becka’s locker.

            “I didn’t really say anything to him.” I paused, “I tried to tell him what he obviously can’t see.” Looking at the floor, I resisted tears that I didn’t understand the purpose of. Becka turned her head looking at Alex, making sure he was still there. He was, he was with a friend, completely distracted.

            “Come with me, just walk with me and you’ll have a little bit of a break.” Becka sounded sympathetic, and took my hand like she was going to drag me if I refused. I smiled as much as I could and nodded gently. She started walking, guiding me with our connected hands.  She took me down the hall where Alex had exposed what he thought he truly felt. His words I love you ran through my mind, sending a sharp chill.

            I walked along side Becka, half present and half aware of the real world while my other half is in my fake world. My world where things are perfect, happy, carefree. Becka pulled me quickly a sharp left, snapping me out of my fake world dream.

            “Are you going to be okay?” She asked me looking dead in my eyes as she turned me to face her. I looked down at the floor needing no words to tell her the truth. She hugged me close then backed away with her hands on my shoulders. “Just be truthful with him and don’t be too mean, I know it’s gonna be hard but you have to do it.” I nodded and she hugged me lightly again. “Good luck” I smiled.

            “Thanks” We both turned and walked the opposite direction, as I turned down the hallway I came from, I realized how much comfort I was leaving behind with Becka. Every step I took closer to the art room in the back of the school, the more I didn’t want to be here. Turning the corner and entering the art room of odd tables and different chairs, the room where Alex would sit and be waiting for me.