I hate you, Please love me.
Being borderline is nothing but hell. It's like running and tripping over the smallest stone in your path. But you are the stone. And whatever path you take that stone is always going to be there. Confusion, pain, anger, hurt, never knowing how I’m going to feel one minute to the next. Terrified of being alone. Feeling misunderstood, analyzing everything and hurting because I hurt those who I love. Nothing keeps me happy, constantly bored and constantly searching for something new, something different, but at the same time hating anything that isn't familiar. Once in a while I will get too happy and feel anxious because of it. Then I physically hurt myself and feel guilty because of it. So much shame. Wanting to die but not being able to kill myself because I'd feel too much guilt for those I’d hurt.. which can lead to more guilt, hurting myself or OD to make the feeling go away. when i hear a negative comment or criticism i take it to the exteme and make it more than it actually is.
"complaining that no one cares about you, but then getting mad at your friends when they try to check on you." Just for you, i'll cover my cuts with bracelets. I'll eat infront of you, to make me seem okay. I'll put on makeup to cover my flaws. I'll do whatever it takes to make me seem normal. People suffering with BPD are equal as people suffering from third degree burn. We have no "emotional skin". Even the slightest touch or movement can create intensive suffering. My world is black and white. i don't know who i am or who i will be in 5 minutes.
